5 relapse signatures that my mind is becoming depressed

Depressed Kitty

Care planning

Today I was working on my care plan with my Social Worker and my Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) and they asked me to think about what my signs are that I am about to relapse. At the time I struggled to think of any, but I’ve given it more thought and come up with 5 for me to be aware of.

1. Tearfulness

I cry at anything and everything when I’m becoming depressed. Once I start crying, I’m in floods of tears and nothing can stop me. The slightest thing could set me off then that gets added to my insecurities, low self-esteem and bad memories, and it feels like I’ll never get away from the misery.

2. Lethargy

I have absolutely NO energy. My eyes are getting heavy this far into writing this post. All I want to do is sleep. I try to fight it but it never lasts and as a result my routine is all over the place and I find myself writing with my eyes closed.

3. Poor concentration

At this point in drafting the post I really could no longer focus so I went back to bed. Words were jumbled in my mind and I couldn’t work out where best to place them. It’s a struggle to both read and write, even picking up a magazine is a huge challenge. All I can think is, this isn’t me, this isn’t what I wanted my life to be like.

4.Loss of interest in things

Mainly people, which isn’t like me at all. It’s like I’m trying to distance myself from the pain that they would feel if I were to act on my suicidal thoughts. This can include isolating myself socially. I also stop doing the things that I love such as reading and writing, or I do less of them.

5. Difficulty making decisions

From what to wear in the morning, to what to eat, to what to buy, it’s so difficult to make a choice, because I’m convinced that I’ll make the wrong one, with my self-esteem so low.

People who know me, and maybe some who don’t, are probably noticing that I fit my relapse signatures at the moment. I’m nervous, but I’m trying to fight it by reaching out on here and social media to see if anyone feels the same as me or knows what to do.

Keep on fighting, then rest

I do kind of know what to do: keep busy, keep fighting, keep talking about how I feel, sleep when it’s safer to sleep, take my medication as prescribed and once I’ve reached the peak of fighting it, allow myself to rest.

Brushing my feelings under the carpet

Bottling things up

I’m so tired of bottling things up. Of putting up and shutting up. There is so much I want to say and the truth is I don’t know where to start, or whether or not it’s worth starting, when all it’s likely to do is finish off burning, the already burnt bridges.

What if?

I said in my last post how tired I was of one-way friendships, we agreed on Twitter that it was time I made new friends well perhaps that is true. If that’s the case though, why is it so hard to let go? Why am I reminded of the good times we shared and left wondering ‘what if?’.

I blame myself, for pressing the self-destruct button on my life and pushing away the people I cared about. Now they’re pushing me away and while I’m at this vulnerable point in my life, it really hurts.

Mean Girls

Sometimes women in their twenties and thirties still behave like Mean Girls. There is still so much ignorance about mental illness and hospitalisation, even from those with mental illness themselves.

Then when I think to myself that at least, whatever I’ve lost, I’ve always got my partner, he starts to push me away, which leads me to feel extremely insecure. He may be in prison but usually it feels like he’s the only one I can count on. Since my financial problems though, things have changed. At first he was really supportive, a huge encouragement. Now though it feels like he has forgotten what we’ve both been fighting so hard to achieve.

Hibernation

I am becoming more and more reliant on Lorazepam and sleep as a way of getting through this awful period. As a matter of fact, I can hardly keep my eyes open now, so I’m off to hibernate for a little while. Hopefully I will make more sense when I return.

Friendship and mental health

The hardest thing…

One of the hardest things about having a mental illness is losing friends. I never really know whether to take it personally or whether it is as a result of my diagnosis and symptoms. All I do know is that as an impact of my conditions (Borderline personality disorder/possible Bipolar), I find it harder to make and maintain friendships than the average person seems to.

Firstly, I’m unpredictable. One minute I’m happy-go-lucky, impulsive and sociable, the next minute I’m isolating myself, paranoid and hostile. I can understand why people would struggle to have patience with that, but it hurts when people promise that they will stick by me then let me down for more ‘fun’ friends.

I was in a psychiatric hospital for about four months. The majority of ‘friends’ were either afraid or unwilling to visit me during that time, especially after the initial week or two. It hurt to watch other patients with their visitors, the lift it usually gave their mood, as my ‘friends’ distanced themselves, even when I was on day leave from hospital.

Perhaps they were worried about what sort of state they would find me in, how traumatic it would be for them to experience.

When it suits them

Then I got out of hospital and, apart from the occasional invite out, when it suits them to have me around -events they are going to anyway, etc, I haven’t heard from them.

Whenever I need their help and advice I’m either ignored, given a bunch of excuses and the knowledge that they have better things to do with their lives than deal with me.

Moving forward

I’m trying to move forward with life after hospital, but alone, it is so much harder. I have no-one to call and share with when good things happen, and no-one to turn to when I need a shoulder to cry on.

Without the support I get from readers of this blog and the Twitter community, I would probably have given up by now. So thank you, to my virtual friends.

Checkmate

I thought I’d give you a brief update of what life is like, just over a week after I was discharged from a psychiatric hospital.

As most people probably find when they leave a long-term hospital admission, my financial situation is a mess. No DLA (Disability Living Allowance) has materialised since I got out and it could be weeks, if not months, before this is resolved.

This is extremely worrying as I have now got into heaps of debt, struggling to pay for my carer as well as other disability related expenses. Money is such a worry right now, it must be for me to even be mentioning it on here, for me to be crying down the phone to my dad during his out of the blue phone call today.

I spoke to my new Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) and social worker, and I’ve been instructed to write a list of how much I owe and to whom, so that they can help me to take action against it. I’m so worried about what that action will involve, and I wish more than anything that my physical and mental health weren’t so bad that I could go back to work and repay what I owe.

Also playing on my mind is that I will be waiting at least 4-6 weeks for an outcome in my PIP (Personal Independence Payment) assessment with Capita. I’m so worried, as without that financial help, my future options for paying for care and mobility related costs, will be greatly limited.

My care managers are trying to make a referral for me for additional support but I will still need the practical support that I get from my carer, as long as I can afford to pay for it, which is becoming less and less likely.

I’ve tried to continue writing, both blogging and creative writing. I’ve sent off a couple of pieces to competitions and the blog has had increased popularity in recent days, but this is causing me quite a bit of frustration as I’m still having to juggle my blogging/writing with how well I feel.

There are days I spend the majority of my time in bed and other times I’m in so much pain or having so much fatigue that I can’t concentrate on what I want to be able to do.

The level of my isolation is still really bad. Hardly anyone has been near me since I got out of hospital and even the ones who have, usually only want to meet on their terms.

I can’t help but feel sad at how far I’ve deteriorated in the past year. This time last year, I was all set to return to London to study for an English degree, I’d even given up my council flat to move into private accommodation nearby. Due to misinformation from different people at DWP, eventually causing me to become even more unstable than I was in the first place, I had to move back to Wales or risk -and here’s the joke – getting into debt.

Now things are so dire financially, I’m miles behind where I was academically, and emotionally I feel like I’m in ruins. I was counting on getting that degree so much, I had it all pictured in my mind, I was going to put everything I had into it and now I’ll probably never get that chance again.

The odds were always going to be stacked against me, living with disabilities, but now I haven’t even got a degree to show for it, my life looks as though it has been one huge waste.

I long to become a writer or journalist. I wanted so badly to get my voice heard but now I feel like it is being stifled.

I get frustrated blogging about how bad things are and I’m sure that you all get sick of hearing about it. Why doesn’t she just do something about it? I bet people are thinking. Well, I’ve tried and it’s left me in a worse position than the one I was in to start with. I feel like there isn’t a single move forward that I can take, like I’ve been checkmated.

Free at last, well officially anyway.

Well a lot has been happening in the Brokenglassshimmers household. First of all, as of today, I am officially discharged from hospital. I am no longer a psychiatric ward patient. The enormity of it all, makes me feel emotional. It feels like the safety net keeping me from falling through the cracks has gone and now I’m scared.

Everyone is trying to get me to focus on the fact that I’ve lasted on leave for over a fortnight, but that survival has been such a huge battle to achieve. The Ward psychologist, during our last appointment today, helped me to figure out a few things.

Firstly, if I was well already, hospital probably wouldn’t have been the best place for me in the first place. Being hospitalised, even as a voluntary patient, has a huge impact on your life. Being hospitalised for about four months, the length of time that I spent on the ward, then learning to adjust again to life on the outside, is a huge leap of faith. You have to learn to trust yourself again. You have to find even the smallest shred of hope and faith that you can, and claw back your fighting instinct, so that, maybe one day, you get yourself back again.

Secondly, he talked about my too-high expectations of myself. I’ll be completely honest now and this will probably sound really pathetic, but after a year or more of blogging, I beat myself up for not having got to the level that I want to be at by now. That’s not even necessarily about followers, comments, or likes, although those things are really appreciated. I beat myself up that my standard of writing isn’t good/hasn’t improved enough.

The same applies to my creative writing, the only way that I can improve is by practice and feedback but I lack the motivation to practice and get feedback because aside from my pain, fatigue and concentration problems, I’m not happy with the level that I’m at when I do write. The psychologist encouraged me to keep trying so that I do at least have a chance of success, whatever that success looks like is another matter.

Thirdly, he told me not to put up barriers when I’m challenged. He explained that part of my new psychological input from the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) will probably include empathy and validation, but that the other part of it has to be about challenging me to change longstanding thoughts and behaviours. He also told me how important it is that I learn to validate myself and that although I use the love of others, mainly my partner, as a reason to keep living, I need to want to live for my own sake, my own dreams and aspirations.

I confided how disappointed I am that I haven’t achieved more with my life, that I feel like I’m just existing, begging for help but not getting enough of it to really have a life.

As I left the ward, I felt so many mixed feelings. A longing to go back to the very beginning and really make the most of every bit of treatment that has been made available to me, a dream to never see that place again, a sadness at the time I wasted whilst I was ill and a recognition of how much I’ve grown and learnt both about myself and others.

In other news, I’m majorly freaking out about my Personal Independence Payment (PIP) assessment with Capita this Wednesday. I’m worried sick that they won’t listen to me or will fail to understand how much of a challenge life is for me. I need them to see how much of an impact my physical disability and mental illness has on my daily life and how reliant I am on the care that my Disability Living Allowance (DLA) pays for, how isolated I would be without that care, how my life wouldn’t be worth living if I lost that help.

My carer is going to go along with me but she’s just as nervous as I am as she knows how much of an impact this decision will have on me.

Lastly, there has been a new addition to my family. Kitty is a beautiful cat who I got from an RSPCA animal rescue centre yesterday and I can’t believe how well she’s already settling in. It meant so much to me having her trust me enough, after all that she’s been through, to lay on the bed with me for a little while on her first night with me. I know that she’s going to be a big responsibility and it is hard looking after her when I can’t even take care of myself . But however much discomfort it causes me physically, the love that she gives means so much that I’m going to do my utmost, with the help of my carer, to take really good care of her.

What keeps you going? What are the things that you beat yourself up about and what encourages you to keep fighting?  What would you do if you were no longer beating yourself up about what you get wrong? What could you achieve? Please feel free to comment below or tweet me @spursbythebeach .

30 things I want to do by the time I turn 30.

Today my best friend turned 30. I feel ashamed that I have done so little to celebrate it with her, and that it’s also left me with very self-centred thoughts about what turning 30 will be like for me, when life feels like it’s on hold due to mental illness and physical disability.

There is so much that I thought I would have achieved by the time I hit 30: Having a family, a career, an active social life. It feels like none of that will never happen. I think instead of focussing on all of the things that won’t happen, I need to focus on the things that could happen. Perhaps they will be smaller goals and achievements than I once would have set for myself (I’m sure even some of them may still prove impossible) but I really believe that it’s worth a try as I’m about ready to give up unless I give my mind something positive and new to focus on.

1. Write a collection of short stories based on some of my life experiences. Do my best to submit them to short story competitions and publishers, to see if I can work towards making my writing dreams come true.
It has been my dream for as long as I can remember to be an author and I really enjoy writing stories, I just haven’t put as much time into it as I should have. I would love to reach 30 and be well on my way to becoming a published author.

2. Build up this blog. It has been a real lifeline for me and I hope in time that it will become a lifeline for others. I would love to use it to challenge stigma and raise awareness of the issues that I, and many others face.
That means making the time to research and post every day. It will be a challenge, especially with my creative writing goal but it’s one that I would be very excited to achieve.

3. Start facing up to my financial difficulties. Speak to someone about managing my debts and apply for all the benefits that I am entitled to because of my disabilities.
This is quite an urgent problem and one I will be discussing with my new care manager when I meet her tomorrow.

4. Start living to a budget. Cut down on reckless spending and become more responsible.
Again, hopefully this is something I can work on with my new care manager as well as looking in therapy at the reasons behind my spending, as I’m pretty sure that many of the reasons are emotional ones.

5. Become less isolated. Work out ways to meet new people/make new friends including therapy groups, mental health day centres and possibly some short courses at my local university.
I’ve been putting off doing this for some time now, especially as I’ve been having to deal with my old enemy, panic attacks, and being around strangers often triggers this. I would like to do something though especially as I feel so alone right now. Another thing I’m considering doing is restarting the weekly mental health Twitter chats that I used to host.

6. Decide whether I want to go back to uni again. I have tried and failed on so many attempts, do I really want to put myself through this?
Last year’s attempt went so badly that it’s sort of scared me off but I’m aware that establishing a career as a writer will be a lot harder without the relevant training.

7. Find a GP who has empathy for how much pain I am in and is proactive about fighting to help me to get the treatment that I need.
I am planning on signing up with a new GP this week as I’ve just moved house. I’m very nervous about finding the right GP though.

8. Try to avoid returning to the psych ward as an inpatient and ideally get discharged from the hospital asap.
I have another ward round to attend on Monday when I will probably get discharged. Maintaining life on the outside though, is the real challenge.

9. Persist with trying to help my partner to get a move to a closer prison as while he is in the current one visiting is pretty impossible for me which is extremely upsetting for us both
It’s so stressful and painful travelling such a long distance for a two hour visit. I just want a chance to see him on a more regular basis.

10. Write to the Home Secretary about my partner’s D category situation and campaign to get him returned to at least open conditions.
My partner has been left in limbo for long enough. Yes he has messed up but he has served the time he was set and now just needs to be given a chance, even if that means supervision, he just wants a chance.

11. Work with my carer and new team from the Community Mental Health services to improve my chances of reaching a better standard of mental wellness.
I should be getting a new CPN (who I will be meeting tomorrow) as well as input from a psychologist. I know how lucky I am to have been given this input and had to fight to achieve it but now the important thing is that I make the most of it as the help could be life-changing and I really need it to be.

12. Share what works for me on this blog so that hopefully I am able to help others.
I really want to help others who are facing the same obstacles as I am, I hope this blog can become a place of encouragement and understanding.

13.Get married. My partner is my first and hopefully, my last love. Neither of us are perfect but I can’t imagine my life without him in it and would love to make that official as soon as possible.
There is a lot to arrange and I know it won’t be easy. A lot of people want me to wait but I love him and our relationship is one of the things that helps me to stay strong.

14. Visit my family. We’ve had a challenging time over recent years and they still struggle to understand me, but I would like to build bridges with them and I’d love to spend some time with my newborn niece.
It will probably be an emotional time full of mixed feelings but it is something that I really need to do asap.

15. Spend more time with old friends. I miss them and no-one understands me better than they do so I need to make more time for them.
This may mean working out a way I can travel more easily or finally making a decision about a permanent move. Either way, my true friends are worth it and I need to give them more focus than I have been.

16. Make a scrapbook of dreams and ambitions for the next 10 years and set about focussing on how to achieve my dreams.
I love scrapbooking and it was a huge help while I was in hospital. I feel like it could be an excellent way for me to focus on my future in a creative manner.

17. Set myself realistic goals, especially to start with, so that I don’t give up or burn out.
This could be by starting with 5-10 minutes a day of writing time or a chapter of a book/ a single short story a night.

18. Travel somewhere I’ve never been before. Or somewhere I’ve been long ago that I liked.
A few possibilities could mean finally getting a passport and visiting my best friend in Sweden or fulfilling my dreams of going to Paris or New York. Alternatively I could start smaller with a weekend break somewhere like Cardiff.

19. If I reach the right level of wellness, apply for the BBC trainee scheme aimed at disabled people.
It has been my dream for years to try for this but I haven’t yet reached the level of wellness that I’d like to be at to make this happen. Fatigue and pain are huge obstacles and I’m hoping that in time I can work out ways to overcome them.

20. Make a decision about whether I should remain in Wales or move back to London. Consider all factors such as finances, social support and health care. Once I’ve made a decision, try to do things to help myself stick to it. Until I make a decision, try not to put my life on hold.
At the moment I’m getting a good standard of mental health care here, but was receiving more physical care and had better medication options in London. Finances play a huge factor so a lot will have to remain to be seen.

21. Persist with my request for a better standard of care for my Ankylosing spondylitis and mental illness, refuse to be fobbed off or made to feel guilty for asking for what I need.
I need to speak to the advocacy service about whether there is any way that I can get more care and support for my physical needs. I also need to make sure that I research thoroughly all the options that are available to me, including by contacting organisations such as National Ankylosing Spondylitis Society (NASS).

22. Make a decision about whether or not to get a cat.
It’s a big responsibility and caring for it may prove a huge strain but it could be a challenge for me to learn to adapt better to.

23. Try to stick to a routine a bit more so that I over-do it less and get better at balancing activity with rest.
I tend to overdo it then crash for days afterwards. I need to get better at balancing out my energy levels by combining any activity with periods of rest.

24. Look into ways I can improve my opportunities to become a freelance writer/journalist and try my best to make it happen.
Read up on ways to break into the industry and spend more time and energy getting my blog posts to a standard that I am pleased with and hope that that speaks to future bosses.

25. Have a relaxing holiday, ideally somewhere I can focus on my writing.
I’ve heard of writing holidays and this sounds like something that is right up my street and definitely something that I should research in the very near future.

26. Make more of an effort to go to literary events both here in Wales and in London and elsewhere. My dream is to go to the Hay festival of literature. If I can’t make this year’s event I should definitely make sure I attend it next year.
Research and budget for whether a weekend in Hay on Wye would be possible as it would be a dream come true to attend it.

27. Set aside time every day for writing. Everything from blog writing, journalism, creative writing exercises, drafting stories.
It would probably also help to set aside a specific place for me to write, perhaps investigate some sort of laptop desk and somewhere to organise my writing research.

28. Set aside time every day for reading – blogs, newspapers and magazines, poetry, books, writing tips etc. Make notes on what I learn.
Reading used to provide such escapism for me but now I need to start reading in a more educated way, learning from those who have gone before me.

29. Try to have more of a distinct online presence. I want to spend more time focussing on my unique qualities instead of the things that have been holding me back.
I need to develop my own clear identity and work at getting that across to people, trying to break the mould instead of fitting into it.

30. Try to make time just to relax, unwind and have fun!!
Pamper sessions, magazines and trashy tv. Anything that helps me to switch off and stops me overthinking.

Anyway enough about my 30 things before I reach 30. What would you like to achieve before your next big birthday? Answer in the comments section below or on Twitter @spursbythebeach.

I wouldn’t start from here if I were you!!

Many years ago a friend of mine ended up in Bristol, lost, looking for the way to London (so you can guess how lost he was). The man who kindly stopped to offer him directions, on finding out his intended destination, responded: “I wouldn’t start from here if I were you!”

I recalled this story recently, on leaving hospital (I spent a few months on a psychiatric ward). It made me think about whether hospital is the right place to start from when working towards your recovery.

I don’t want to pretend that hospital is completely black and white, that it’s all good or all bad. There are positives and negatives to being admitted and I definitely found this:

Positive: Staff intervention

When staff intervention worked it could have a real impact on my recovery. Knowing that I was believed, that people cared and that they were seeking out the best course of action to provide me with long-term support, meant so much. Without the support of the hospital staff such as my ward psychiatrist, psychologist and the ward manager, I probably wouldn’t be about to meat my Community Mental Health Team Care manager. Having someone unbiased to talk to, well whose only bias was seeing me recover, really helped such a great deal too. An outsider’s input can help to put a lot of things into perspective.

Negative: Staff intervention

When staff intervention didn’t work it could really bring me down. Staff with a taste for the power they had, or those who were just having a bad day, probably didn’t realise how much damage they were doing with their negative attitudes/comments, but could undo a lot of the good work being done by the good staff. If, like me, you have had a lot of negativity in your life, the last place you need that to continue in, is hospital. Perhaps staff need to recognise how much their bad days can impact those who are in a vulnerable position. We’re all human, definitely not perfect, but for those who choose career roles that can have such an impact on the lives of vulnerable people, they need to think twice about whether that choice is a sustainable one.

Positive: Other patients

Sometimes there could be a great deal of support and camaraderie on the ward from other patients, a few of whom even become friends. It’s especially tempting to start leaning on other patients when your friends on the outside stop visiting and you want to feel less alone with this mental anguish. Speaking to others who have similar worries and experiences can really put your mind at rest and definitely make you feel less alone.

Negative: Other patients

When it didn’t work out with other patients, when you leant on someone else too much and they ended up harming themselves or distressing you with rejection, this could really provide a challenge to remaining focused on your recovery. Also when there was conflict on the ward, even a small conflict, it left a negative atmosphere for everyone and caused us all to feel uncomfortable.

Positive: Putting help in place

I was lucky that the ward I was in not only had an excellent psychologist but also had senior staff who were focused on making sure that you wouldn’t have to come back again. This meant that they generally really fought for me to get the outside help that I needed, which definitely proved to be an uphill struggle. They never gave up on me though.

Negative: Becoming institutionalised

By the time I left hospital, after the few months that I spent on the ward, I was beginning to see less of a life on the outside, less of a reason to fight and more of a need to stay, as I wondered if I would ever truly be ready to deal with everything life had to throw at me. Thankfully a few members of staff gave me a kick in the right direction, and I decided to brave it, but it hasn’t been an easy choice to make.

Positive: Keeping you safe

Hospital staff can’t watch every patient non-stop but they can ensure that if you are feeling at risk you have a far greater chance of remaining safe than you probably would be on the outside. This opportunity to remain safe increases the more you are honest and cooperative with those who are trying to take care of you.

Negative: Isolation from people on the outside

After a week or so of being in hospital, people, intentionally or not, start to drift away from you. They give up inviting you out because they know that you are on the ward and they stop calling because they are disturbed by what they hear when they do. It’s painful but going through something like this really shows you who you can really rely on. If you have a friend in hospital, cards, phone calls, visits mean so much. Knowing that they have people to come out to, who haven’t given up on you while you’ve given up on yourself, means so much. If one of your friends has been in hospital and you realise that you haven’t been there for them as much as you perhaps could have been, it’s never too late to start!

Positive: Less risk factors

With the focus on keeping you safe you become used to things like having your privacy invaded with, for example, bag searches, for your own protection. You still have a part to play in keeping yourself safe but it helps a lot to know that you are not the only one working towards this.

Negative: Lack of home comforts

You risk damage/loss to any valued possessions if you bring them with you so often you have to learn to do without. Added to this is the dodgy food and having to share toilets/bathrooms with people who may have quite poor levels of hygiene. There are times you will long to be at home, for the peace and quiet especially, but the grass is usually greener.

Negative: Getting used to the silence afterwards

Being in hospital can be one of the most challenging periods of your life but the biggest challenge is surviving life after hospital. The silence will eat at you and the lack of people to talk to/confide in, especially if you’ve lost contact with people on the outside. Being out can lead to extreme isolation and you will have to fight hard to beat that.
So as you can see, hospital can work but there are factors to bear in mind and, in my opinion, it should always be the last option for someone and you should go into it with the expectation that keeping you safe is the most important aspect to being hospitalised. This can come at a price though so choose carefully!!

What’s on my mind…

I haven’t posted on a regular basis in sometime so I really do appreciate the fact that I have some very loyal, patient readers left. It really has meant so much to know that in my darkest hours, you hadn’t given up on me. That became one of the things that got me fighting again.

It’s been a challenging week so I thought that I’d share with you some of what I’m facing right now. I do this mainly because I wanted to feel less alone and also because I wanted to reach out to others facing issues like these.

If you’d like to continue the conversation after you’ve read this post, you can add a comment or, as I’m always on Twitter, you could add me on @spursbythebeach . I look forward to hearing what you think.

I’ve been refused a care assessment from social services physical disabilities team.

Based on two Occupational Therapy assessments that took place while I was on the psych ward, and, I had been told previously, were being ignored.

Apparently I was refused a care assessment because, firstly, I ‘need to remain as mobile as possible’ despite the fact that I am on crutches and high doses of pain meds  due to the agonising pain I am in, on a near-constant basis in my back and knees.
Secondly, I ‘didn’t ask for help’ that is because help was never offered to me and most of the time I was too embarrassed/proud/scared to ask as a 29 year old woman. I think this is probably the same at any age.
Thirdly, the borough in London that I spent the summer in, arranged an assessment with a social worker who, after investigating my medical evidence and really listening to what I had to say about my care needs, had daily carers put in place within the week. Why then if my physical health has worsened since then, is the same not being done in Wales?

I actually had a chance to confront one of the OT’s who made this judgement today and he just said we will have a ‘longer chat’ when he drops some equipment off to the house next week and mentioned that I could speak to advocacy about appealing the decision and that’s now top of my list to do. I just think that receiving the right care shouldn’t be a postcode lottery.

Another thing on my mind is my PIP assessment fast approaching. It’s a real worry as at the moment I am getting myself into masses of debt while my DLA has been stopped since I’ve been in hospital, as I’ve had to pay for a carer privately with no help from social services at all so far. This along with still waiting for my new care manager to visit, is causing me a great deal of worry and stress.

I know I have a lot to lose with this PIP assessment so I had a good chat with the two amazing people who run the NASS helpline and became a member. I also rang my rheumatologist and he has brought forward an appointment that was due on April 1st to next Wednesday. I’m just really desperate for him to do something to help me and find out exactly what is going on wiith my body.

I am still on my first week of leave from hospital and I have yet to be officially discharged although hopefully I will be as of Monday next week.

This has probably been the most challenging week of my life.

I got out of hospital and really hoped that things could go back to the way they were before with my friends. In most cases there is too much history there now, I’ve been too much of a let-down. As a result I feel lost. Either they don’t believe that I will ever fully recover (perhaps I won’t) or I’ve put them through too much during the past few months and they can no longer get past it.

Some people have stuck by me, the main ones being my carer, my best friend who lives in Sweden and my sister, who I’m beginning to build bridges with.

There are a couple of others who are feeling worried since my recent issues with paranoia, which is a vicious circle, as this was probably brought on by the stress brought on by loneliness and isolation.

Leaving a psych ward can be one of the loneliest times that you will ever face. You go from being around lots of people – staff and patients – 24 hours a day, to all of a sudden spending long periods of time by yourself.

I’ve decided to invest in a small TV but I’m just hoping that it doesn’t distract me too much from my blogging. I really feel like the only place that I can feel safe to say what’s really on my mind, and to generally be understood, is this blog.

Aside from the loneliness of leaving hospital, I’ve had to try to start again in a flat that I’ve hardly lived in which is still very chaotic as I need to finish unpacking, get into some kind of routine and start doing the things that I love again like reading and blogging.

I’ve just upgraded the blog and I’m quite pleased already. I’m always open to feedback and suggestions and would appreciate any constructive criticism anyone could offer me.

I want to start moving forward and looking to the future I’m just not sure how to go about it. I really want this blog to become a more positive place but most of all it has to be an honest place which means that I may not achieve positivity all the time.

I’ve spent some time recently considering how I want to move forwards with the blog and this year I want to really fight to raise more awareness, lessen feelings of isolation, and offer an alternative to mental health stigma and ignorance. I’m hoping that this blog can become a place where people feel they will be understood, and that raises issues that concern both myself and the readers of this blog, so that more people will know of the struggles faced by those with mental illness and/or physical disability, exactly how hard we have to fight.

Journalling for self-expression day 5 part 2

For each of the top 5 things that you identified [in the last task] https://brokenglassshimmers.wordpress.com/2015/02/14/journalling-for-self-expression-day-4/ , list 10 things that you can do to gain control of the situation. Pick the top 3 things from each list:

Part 2: Frustration over not being able to look after myself properly (due to physical and mental illness).

I will now list 10 things I can do to gain control of my frustration and I will then underline the 3 I believe to be the most helpful.

1. Accept the things that I can’t change and change the things that I can.

The things I can’t change are:

-Ignorant attitudes

-The fact that I have disabilities

-The fact that due to my pain and mobility problems, I can’t travel far and need help with things that other people take for granted.

The things I can change are:

-How informed those around me are about my condition.

-The people I choose to spend my time with.

2. Fight back for better pain management.

When I next see the rheumatologist, explain how important that I feel it is that I have a medication that is fighting the condition and that I feel that instead he has given up on me. Poor pain management only serves to increase my levels of anger, depression and negativity.

3. Ignore ignorant attitudes surrounding my physical and mental health, especially those which come from my family.

They’ve had plenty of time to ask me/research my conditions and they still show no interest whatsoever. No matter how painful it is, it’s time to move away from them.

4. Start being kinder to myself and accept that I am deserving of help.

This has been a complete battle for me since I was a teenager and it would be nice if things started to change.

5. Start a friend shortlist where I remove from my life or lessen the involvement of, friends who aren’t really interested. I’m tired of these one-way friendships.

This is one of the things that I will find the hardest to do, as once they are in my life, I hate letting go of people. The way I’m now looking at it is, the more unnecessary friendships I let go of, the more I make room for constructive new friendships, painful though it may be to say goodbye. Friends I am keeping in my life, at least short-term, I need to make more of an effort with, at least over the phone, by letter or email, to see if that effort is reciprocated.

6. Look at equipment that I could get that will make my life easier and more productive.

This could include a new, specialist built laptop which includes suitable hardware and software as well as aids and adaptations around the home and out and about.

7. Research the help and support that I can get now that I am staying in Swansea .

(I’m pleased to announce that I am being care managed!)

8. Start trying out different self-help strategies to improve my physical and mental health.

This could mean light physiotherapy exercises, heat and cold packs, a tens machine, online support websites and other strategies and techniques to better manage my physical and mental health.

9. Join forums and Twitter chats for people with mental illness and physical disabilities. If none are available then create some.

10.Be honest with people about what my struggle is actually like and what will help.

I could finally write that book that I’ve been talking about for years (I’ll keep you posted!).

If you noticed that some points were underlined as you went along, those are the key points that I will be trying to work on from now on.

Journalling for self expression day 5 part 1

For each of the top 5 things you identified in the last list, list 10 things you can do to gain control of the situation. Underline the top 3 from each list.

Part one:Worry about my partner

Things I can do:

1. Gain more control over my finances, especially by getting out of hospital as soon as I am ready as well as trying to send more money and visiting more often.

Part of this involves him getting a move to a closer prison so at least then I can come up on visits.  Six months without visits and support is a long time to go.

2. Write to my partner more often

At the moment, after a lot of nagging, my partner is writing to me regularly. Due to an arthritis flare-up and severe anxiety and depression, I have had really bad fatigue. I need to get better at juggling writing with rest. I also need to get better at asking for medications on request for pain, when I need it, which I usually do. I just hope that this makes a difference with my levels of pain and fatigue.

3. Be more honest about what I’m struggling with, to my partner and others

It helps so much Blogging and Tweeting about what’s on my mind. There is someone even more important that I need to speak to – my partner. He really loves me and wants to help, he wants to know how to help. Sometimes I’m not sure what will help me, but if I keep him informed of what is happening and advise him of the little things that make a difference [like today over the phone he read me out a page-long love poem] then he has a head-start on how to help me.

It’s hard to be honest sometimes knowing that if I’m too honest, I’ll leave him feeling worried, upset and powerless to do anything. Often I just tell him the partial truth when the full truth would leave him worried sick. In reality I need to make sure that he has the full facts in order that he can show greater understanding.

4. Work on my anxiety so that I could emotionally cope with a visit.

I have apps on my phone, books and websites I could use as well as a weekly appointment with a psychologist. My next big challenge is to spend most of next Wednesday in my flat, probably alone, which I’m really worried about how I’ll cope with.

I need to utilise what I’ve been taught and start to put it into practice. More on coping with anxiety soon.

5.Make sure that my partner continues to write to me regularly.

This sounds a bit unfair when I’m not writing to him as much as I used to. It does make such a huge difference though, hearing from him.

6. Encourage my partner to open up to me more often so that I know the real things that are bothering him instead of fearing the worst.

I always know when something is wrong with my partner so when he refuses to confide in me , not only does it hurt, but it also causes me to imagine that he is keeping something far worse from me than he usually actually is.

7, Accept compliments from my partner. Really let all the good things that he says sink in, instead of believing all the negative things from my childhood.

I’ve been put down for so long, by so many people, that I need to unlearn all of that stuff and keep in mind the kind things that my partner says instead

8. Speak to the Assisted Prison Visits Unit to discuss options for a visit to be planned and paid for in advance by them.

They usually very generously refund the cost of visits if you are on certain benefits/a low income and occasionally they offer this help for me, I need to find out whether this is an option for me within the next month or so. I miss him so much.

9. Write a letter to the prison governor supporting my partner’s request for a move to a prison closer to me

I’m hoping that after hearing the difficulties I face visiting my partner due to my disabilities that they will take pity on us and move him to a closer prison.

10. Once I’m out of hospital, maybe even before, start planning for mine and his future together. Things like visits, planning for our wedding and building a home together.

All I want from life, well my main aim really is to spend my life making mine and my partner’s dreams come true.

I’ve gone back and underlined the top 3 I want to try and have included an explanation of how I intend to follow them. Does anyone else have any ideas that I haven’t thought of? Or is anyone else struggling with similar issues? Get in touch in the comments section below or Tweet me @spursbythebeach. I look forward to hearing from you.