Fed up, what can I do to make it better?
For the past few days, I’ve been completely panicked that something is wrong with me, physically because of how exhausted I’ve been, sleeping constantly, especially during the day. I am awaiting blood test results and, like the drama queen I am, I even called the out of hours doctor. What I forgot is, I’ve been here before. These are all symptoms I’ve already experienced and likely will again. These are most likely symptoms of depression, anxiety and stress.
There is a depression checklist in a DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) book that I have that makes it even clearer. Here’s the checklist and my response:
Persistent low mood: I feel rock bottom. I feel alone, worthless and like I will never amount to anything.
Increased appetite/ Decreased appetite: I’m not eating regular meals but when I am eating, I do tend to binge.
Difficulties falling asleep: This sentence should continue with ‘At the right times’. I’m becoming nocturnal, when I want to sleep I cannot, and when I want to stay awake , my eyes start to become heavy.
Feeling empty: I really feel like this, especially since my failure at university last year. I had put so much of my energy into becoming a successful student and now I see myself as nothing/a nobody.
Social isolation: This is partly my fault and partly the fault of others. The main reason it’s my fault is that I left London and all my old friends there and came back to Swansea where my friends had moved on. Even if they haven’t and I’m just being paranoid, that’s what it feels like.
Problems with memory: I have no problem remembering the things that haunt me, but the mundane, everyday stuff, that I need to remember is becoming a lot more of a challenge.
Persistent anger: As you can probably already tell, this is mainly directed at myself. Why do I always get it so wrong?
Irritability: Again, this is mainly directed inwards, I am extremely frustrated with myself for not making university work out, for not being near the end of my first year. Who knows how different my life could have been?
Decrease in motivation: When I’m well/stable, I want to be a successful mental health and fashion, beauty, lifestyle blogger, that means raising awareness of what life is like with a mental illness and how you can help. I want to help form an online community that makes up for the community I’m missing out on in the real world. When I’m like this, I lack the motivation to do anything because I feel like I don’t have the ability to make things happen.
Feelings of hopelessness: I feel like this a lot lately. What’s the point of trying when I just mess up anyway? I know that’s an extremely negative attitude to have but I started this blog to be completely honest about how I feel and how I (hopefully) get through it.
Weight gain: As usual, when I’m depressed I eat rubbish, which leads to weight gain.
Waking early in the morning: I more likely haven’t gone to sleep yet from the night before.
Restlessness: When I’m awake I’m really edgy in my own company (Most of the time) and feel like I have to be keeping busy or sleeping.
Low self-esteem: My self-esteem is beyond low, I really feel like I am capable of nothing. I spend all my time comparing myself to others and how much more than me they can do.
Tearfulness: I cry at anything and everything, especially when I’m feeling overwhelmed, which is often.
Loss of interest in things: I usually would love to read and write creatively, but at the moment, I’ve completely lost interest.
Feelings of worthlessness: I feel like the world would be a better place without me.
Loss of enjoyment in activities: I’ve even considered stopping the blogs because I feel like I’ll never get to where I want to be with them.
Poor concentration: I either struggle to focus on a single thing or try to focus on a few things at the same time.
Thoughts of suicide: Yes my old enemy thoughts have started to come back to the forefront of my mind. I feel like everyone would be better off without me.
Waking frequently during the night: At the moment I’m awake most of the night. When I do fall asleep though, I do wake frequently.
Increased sleep: I’m currently sleeping on average between 16-20 hours a day.
Feelings of helplessness: I fear that there is nothing I can do to make things better.
Feeling guilty: I feel guilty for my negativity when I KNOW that there are others worse off than me.
Mental confusion/ Difficulty making decisions: I feel so out of it and confused most of the time, I can’t make my mind up what to do for the best from trivial to more serious things.
Inactivity: Much as I’m trying to keep busy, I’m struggling to do anything.
Lethargy: When I’m not sleeping I feel exhausted.
Dwelling on the past: As you can see from this and recent blog posts, I’ve been dwelling on the past quite a bit recently, especially my university failure and recent hospitalisation.
What can I do to make it better?
- Balance activity with rest.
- Attend my appointments with my care team and,
- Being honest.
I worry that this blog will become a negative place, that people will avoid it because it’s so depressing. All I want is to be honest.
How are you feeling? Are you struggling with any of the stuff on this list? How do you handle it? Either comment or Tweet @spursbythebeach.
I thought I’d give you a brief update of what life is like, just over a week after I was discharged from a psychiatric hospital.
As most people probably find when they leave a long-term hospital admission, my financial situation is a mess. No DLA (Disability Living Allowance) has materialised since I got out and it could be weeks, if not months, before this is resolved.
This is extremely worrying as I have now got into heaps of debt, struggling to pay for my carer as well as other disability related expenses. Money is such a worry right now, it must be for me to even be mentioning it on here, for me to be crying down the phone to my dad during his out of the blue phone call today.
I spoke to my new Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) and social worker, and I’ve been instructed to write a list of how much I owe and to whom, so that they can help me to take action against it. I’m so worried about what that action will involve, and I wish more than anything that my physical and mental health weren’t so bad that I could go back to work and repay what I owe.
Also playing on my mind is that I will be waiting at least 4-6 weeks for an outcome in my PIP (Personal Independence Payment) assessment with Capita. I’m so worried, as without that financial help, my future options for paying for care and mobility related costs, will be greatly limited.
My care managers are trying to make a referral for me for additional support but I will still need the practical support that I get from my carer, as long as I can afford to pay for it, which is becoming less and less likely.
I’ve tried to continue writing, both blogging and creative writing. I’ve sent off a couple of pieces to competitions and the blog has had increased popularity in recent days, but this is causing me quite a bit of frustration as I’m still having to juggle my blogging/writing with how well I feel.
There are days I spend the majority of my time in bed and other times I’m in so much pain or having so much fatigue that I can’t concentrate on what I want to be able to do.
The level of my isolation is still really bad. Hardly anyone has been near me since I got out of hospital and even the ones who have, usually only want to meet on their terms.
I can’t help but feel sad at how far I’ve deteriorated in the past year. This time last year, I was all set to return to London to study for an English degree, I’d even given up my council flat to move into private accommodation nearby. Due to misinformation from different people at DWP, eventually causing me to become even more unstable than I was in the first place, I had to move back to Wales or risk -and here’s the joke – getting into debt.
Now things are so dire financially, I’m miles behind where I was academically, and emotionally I feel like I’m in ruins. I was counting on getting that degree so much, I had it all pictured in my mind, I was going to put everything I had into it and now I’ll probably never get that chance again.
The odds were always going to be stacked against me, living with disabilities, but now I haven’t even got a degree to show for it, my life looks as though it has been one huge waste.
I long to become a writer or journalist. I wanted so badly to get my voice heard but now I feel like it is being stifled.
I get frustrated blogging about how bad things are and I’m sure that you all get sick of hearing about it. Why doesn’t she just do something about it? I bet people are thinking. Well, I’ve tried and it’s left me in a worse position than the one I was in to start with. I feel like there isn’t a single move forward that I can take, like I’ve been checkmated.
I’ve been trying to figure out what to say for days now. The truth is that I’m so far from where I want to be that I feel like I will never get there at all. I’m so close to giving up completely.
I wanted this blog to move in a positive new direction but, more than that, I want it to be an honest blog. Just over a week ago I wrote a list, 30 things that I want to achieve by the time that I’m 30. At the moment it would be an achievement just to reach age 30, later this year.
I started my week quite positively, entering writing competitions, thinking about starting a new scrapbook with a focus on recovery. In the space of a week though, things have spiralled down so much.
I’ve lost all of my confidence and self-esteem, especially where my writing is concerned. I feel like such a failure. I wish I hadn’t wasted time and money, entering writing competitions and I feel like such a let-down as a blogger for not posting more than I do.
I wanted my life to be about more than it is by now. I wanted to reach 30 and have things resolved in my mind. I wanted to have a family, a relationship. Instead my partner is pretty powerless to help from prison and I have very little resembling a family right now except a bunch of people who just expect nothing from me.
I used to have friends, but the majority have disappeared by now and those remaining just don’t know what to say to me anymore. Nothing they can say can make it better.
I’m clawing on to life with everything that I have, but I’m starting to wonder what for? I know that makes me ungrateful but I would give anything not to feel as alone as I do right now.
I’m not going to read through this before I post as I know that I will bottle out of it if I do and I want you all to know the truth about what’s going on in my head. I guess it’s my way of reaching out, in the hope that maybe I’m not alone with thoughts like these and that somewhere out there, there is a way to beat them, there is such a thing as recovery. At the moment though, I’m not so sure.