For far too much of my life, I’ve felt like hiding from the world. It started when I was a child. I was ashamed of the way I looked, afraid of the bullies, worried my parents would embarrass me/kick off when they were drunk.
Now I’m almost 30 and not a lot has changed. This time it’s social anxiety, fear of being judged for my disabilities and severe depression, in which I feel like being around people just makes me, and them, worse.
There are things I’d like to do: Blogging meet-ups, physiotherapy groups, day centres, book clubs. Even when I was thinking about starting university the anxiety about being around hundreds of people during lectures, freaking out about fresher’s week and how I was going to go it alone as a disabled person and make friends, was tearing me apart.
I’d love to have another chance at education but at the moment my anxiety and depression are so bad that I’m constantly changing my mind about whether or not I should give it a try, because I don’t feel like I’m good enough. I’m not living, I’m existing.
I want to be a journalist and was given the opportunity to blog for my local newspaper but I’ve bottled out of doing it more than one time because I’m worried I’ll make a fool of myself. I know that sounds strange coming from a mental health blogger, but I’m ashamed to admit that negative feedback terrifies me. It causes me to beat myself up and is the reason I’ve spent too long hiding away or not doing the things that I love.
I want to change and I know that the only way that I can do that is with one small step at a time. I’ve started Slimming World and trying to wear make up more often so that I can be more physically confident. Mentally, is another matter entirely. I’m so scared of getting hurt or messing up. I’ve just started seeing a psychologist and I’m really hoping that it makes a difference as I’m so tired of being like this.
Being honest about how I feel, especially on here, helps a lot. The support I’ve received from Brokenglassshimmers’ followers, has meant so much.
I’m thinking about branching out with the blog too and doing an email newsletter for followers to chart my progress, what works/what doesn’t, perhaps even interview some of you too if you’re interested. If you would like to receive something like this then please let me know. I’m available on here as well as on Twitter @spursbythebeach .
Fed up, what can I do to make it better?
For the past few days, I’ve been completely panicked that something is wrong with me, physically because of how exhausted I’ve been, sleeping constantly, especially during the day. I am awaiting blood test results and, like the drama queen I am, I even called the out of hours doctor. What I forgot is, I’ve been here before. These are all symptoms I’ve already experienced and likely will again. These are most likely symptoms of depression, anxiety and stress.
There is a depression checklist in a DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) book that I have that makes it even clearer. Here’s the checklist and my response:
Persistent low mood: I feel rock bottom. I feel alone, worthless and like I will never amount to anything.
Increased appetite/ Decreased appetite: I’m not eating regular meals but when I am eating, I do tend to binge.
Difficulties falling asleep: This sentence should continue with ‘At the right times’. I’m becoming nocturnal, when I want to sleep I cannot, and when I want to stay awake , my eyes start to become heavy.
Feeling empty: I really feel like this, especially since my failure at university last year. I had put so much of my energy into becoming a successful student and now I see myself as nothing/a nobody.
Social isolation: This is partly my fault and partly the fault of others. The main reason it’s my fault is that I left London and all my old friends there and came back to Swansea where my friends had moved on. Even if they haven’t and I’m just being paranoid, that’s what it feels like.
Problems with memory: I have no problem remembering the things that haunt me, but the mundane, everyday stuff, that I need to remember is becoming a lot more of a challenge.
Persistent anger: As you can probably already tell, this is mainly directed at myself. Why do I always get it so wrong?
Irritability: Again, this is mainly directed inwards, I am extremely frustrated with myself for not making university work out, for not being near the end of my first year. Who knows how different my life could have been?
Decrease in motivation: When I’m well/stable, I want to be a successful mental health and fashion, beauty, lifestyle blogger, that means raising awareness of what life is like with a mental illness and how you can help. I want to help form an online community that makes up for the community I’m missing out on in the real world. When I’m like this, I lack the motivation to do anything because I feel like I don’t have the ability to make things happen.
Feelings of hopelessness: I feel like this a lot lately. What’s the point of trying when I just mess up anyway? I know that’s an extremely negative attitude to have but I started this blog to be completely honest about how I feel and how I (hopefully) get through it.
Weight gain: As usual, when I’m depressed I eat rubbish, which leads to weight gain.
Waking early in the morning: I more likely haven’t gone to sleep yet from the night before.
Restlessness: When I’m awake I’m really edgy in my own company (Most of the time) and feel like I have to be keeping busy or sleeping.
Low self-esteem: My self-esteem is beyond low, I really feel like I am capable of nothing. I spend all my time comparing myself to others and how much more than me they can do.
Tearfulness: I cry at anything and everything, especially when I’m feeling overwhelmed, which is often.
Loss of interest in things: I usually would love to read and write creatively, but at the moment, I’ve completely lost interest.
Feelings of worthlessness: I feel like the world would be a better place without me.
Loss of enjoyment in activities: I’ve even considered stopping the blogs because I feel like I’ll never get to where I want to be with them.
Poor concentration: I either struggle to focus on a single thing or try to focus on a few things at the same time.
Thoughts of suicide: Yes my old enemy thoughts have started to come back to the forefront of my mind. I feel like everyone would be better off without me.
Waking frequently during the night: At the moment I’m awake most of the night. When I do fall asleep though, I do wake frequently.
Increased sleep: I’m currently sleeping on average between 16-20 hours a day.
Feelings of helplessness: I fear that there is nothing I can do to make things better.
Feeling guilty: I feel guilty for my negativity when I KNOW that there are others worse off than me.
Mental confusion/ Difficulty making decisions: I feel so out of it and confused most of the time, I can’t make my mind up what to do for the best from trivial to more serious things.
Inactivity: Much as I’m trying to keep busy, I’m struggling to do anything.
Lethargy: When I’m not sleeping I feel exhausted.
Dwelling on the past: As you can see from this and recent blog posts, I’ve been dwelling on the past quite a bit recently, especially my university failure and recent hospitalisation.
What can I do to make it better?
- Balance activity with rest.
- Attend my appointments with my care team and,
- Being honest.
I worry that this blog will become a negative place, that people will avoid it because it’s so depressing. All I want is to be honest.
How are you feeling? Are you struggling with any of the stuff on this list? How do you handle it? Either comment or Tweet @spursbythebeach.
Bottling things up
I’m so tired of bottling things up. Of putting up and shutting up. There is so much I want to say and the truth is I don’t know where to start, or whether or not it’s worth starting, when all it’s likely to do is finish off burning, the already burnt bridges.
I said in my last post how tired I was of one-way friendships, we agreed on Twitter that it was time I made new friends well perhaps that is true. If that’s the case though, why is it so hard to let go? Why am I reminded of the good times we shared and left wondering ‘what if?’.
I blame myself, for pressing the self-destruct button on my life and pushing away the people I cared about. Now they’re pushing me away and while I’m at this vulnerable point in my life, it really hurts.
Sometimes women in their twenties and thirties still behave like Mean Girls. There is still so much ignorance about mental illness and hospitalisation, even from those with mental illness themselves.
Then when I think to myself that at least, whatever I’ve lost, I’ve always got my partner, he starts to push me away, which leads me to feel extremely insecure. He may be in prison but usually it feels like he’s the only one I can count on. Since my financial problems though, things have changed. At first he was really supportive, a huge encouragement. Now though it feels like he has forgotten what we’ve both been fighting so hard to achieve.
I am becoming more and more reliant on Lorazepam and sleep as a way of getting through this awful period. As a matter of fact, I can hardly keep my eyes open now, so I’m off to hibernate for a little while. Hopefully I will make more sense when I return.
The hardest thing…
One of the hardest things about having a mental illness is losing friends. I never really know whether to take it personally or whether it is as a result of my diagnosis and symptoms. All I do know is that as an impact of my conditions (Borderline personality disorder/possible Bipolar), I find it harder to make and maintain friendships than the average person seems to.
Firstly, I’m unpredictable. One minute I’m happy-go-lucky, impulsive and sociable, the next minute I’m isolating myself, paranoid and hostile. I can understand why people would struggle to have patience with that, but it hurts when people promise that they will stick by me then let me down for more ‘fun’ friends.
I was in a psychiatric hospital for about four months. The majority of ‘friends’ were either afraid or unwilling to visit me during that time, especially after the initial week or two. It hurt to watch other patients with their visitors, the lift it usually gave their mood, as my ‘friends’ distanced themselves, even when I was on day leave from hospital.
Perhaps they were worried about what sort of state they would find me in, how traumatic it would be for them to experience.
When it suits them
Then I got out of hospital and, apart from the occasional invite out, when it suits them to have me around -events they are going to anyway, etc, I haven’t heard from them.
Whenever I need their help and advice I’m either ignored, given a bunch of excuses and the knowledge that they have better things to do with their lives than deal with me.
I’m trying to move forward with life after hospital, but alone, it is so much harder. I have no-one to call and share with when good things happen, and no-one to turn to when I need a shoulder to cry on.
Without the support I get from readers of this blog and the Twitter community, I would probably have given up by now. So thank you, to my virtual friends.
For each of the top 5 things you identified in the last list, list 10 things you can do to gain control of the situation. Underline the top 3 from each list.
Part one:Worry about my partner
Things I can do:
1. Gain more control over my finances, especially by getting out of hospital as soon as I am ready as well as trying to send more money and visiting more often.
Part of this involves him getting a move to a closer prison so at least then I can come up on visits. Six months without visits and support is a long time to go.
2. Write to my partner more often
At the moment, after a lot of nagging, my partner is writing to me regularly. Due to an arthritis flare-up and severe anxiety and depression, I have had really bad fatigue. I need to get better at juggling writing with rest. I also need to get better at asking for medications on request for pain, when I need it, which I usually do. I just hope that this makes a difference with my levels of pain and fatigue.
3. Be more honest about what I’m struggling with, to my partner and others
It helps so much Blogging and Tweeting about what’s on my mind. There is someone even more important that I need to speak to – my partner. He really loves me and wants to help, he wants to know how to help. Sometimes I’m not sure what will help me, but if I keep him informed of what is happening and advise him of the little things that make a difference [like today over the phone he read me out a page-long love poem] then he has a head-start on how to help me.
It’s hard to be honest sometimes knowing that if I’m too honest, I’ll leave him feeling worried, upset and powerless to do anything. Often I just tell him the partial truth when the full truth would leave him worried sick. In reality I need to make sure that he has the full facts in order that he can show greater understanding.
4. Work on my anxiety so that I could emotionally cope with a visit.
I have apps on my phone, books and websites I could use as well as a weekly appointment with a psychologist. My next big challenge is to spend most of next Wednesday in my flat, probably alone, which I’m really worried about how I’ll cope with.
I need to utilise what I’ve been taught and start to put it into practice. More on coping with anxiety soon.
5.Make sure that my partner continues to write to me regularly.
This sounds a bit unfair when I’m not writing to him as much as I used to. It does make such a huge difference though, hearing from him.
6. Encourage my partner to open up to me more often so that I know the real things that are bothering him instead of fearing the worst.
I always know when something is wrong with my partner so when he refuses to confide in me , not only does it hurt, but it also causes me to imagine that he is keeping something far worse from me than he usually actually is.
7, Accept compliments from my partner. Really let all the good things that he says sink in, instead of believing all the negative things from my childhood.
I’ve been put down for so long, by so many people, that I need to unlearn all of that stuff and keep in mind the kind things that my partner says instead
8. Speak to the Assisted Prison Visits Unit to discuss options for a visit to be planned and paid for in advance by them.
They usually very generously refund the cost of visits if you are on certain benefits/a low income and occasionally they offer this help for me, I need to find out whether this is an option for me within the next month or so. I miss him so much.
9. Write a letter to the prison governor supporting my partner’s request for a move to a prison closer to me
I’m hoping that after hearing the difficulties I face visiting my partner due to my disabilities that they will take pity on us and move him to a closer prison.
10. Once I’m out of hospital, maybe even before, start planning for mine and his future together. Things like visits, planning for our wedding and building a home together.
All I want from life, well my main aim really is to spend my life making mine and my partner’s dreams come true.
I’ve gone back and underlined the top 3 I want to try and have included an explanation of how I intend to follow them. Does anyone else have any ideas that I haven’t thought of? Or is anyone else struggling with similar issues? Get in touch in the comments section below or Tweet me @spursbythebeach. I look forward to hearing from you.
Well I’ve skipped a task again as I’d already kind of answered the last one, plus this task applied more two days ago when I first wrote it out in rough. Sorry for my delay in posting, my fatigue has been absolutely awful.
Make a list of things that you feel upset about right now. Write down as many as you can think of until you can’t think of anymore. Then choose the top 5:
Not being able to do everything that I want to do for myself:
From carrying myself a cup of tea (at home I have a hatch so don’t have to rely on the kindness of others) , to struggling with grooming, shopping and isolation because I struggle to get to places. Even at home, the local bus stop is minutes away from me but too far for me to get to without severe pain so I remain reliant on taxis or isolated in my own home.
Being on a psychiatric ward
In myself, I feel that this proves that I am weak, that I have given up, lost the fight. The atmosphere is tense at best, there is a lot of paranoia, including from me, which makes it an extremely difficult place to be. On top of that, it’s difficult to unwind, you can’t usually watch TV because of the constant background noise, even reading in your own room is a challenge. This is especially the case because if you do start spending a lot of time in your room then people assume you either have a problem with them or are being stuck-up. On the other hand, if you do come out you have to deal with everyone else’s problems and needs, as well as your own.
I’m worried about whether I’ll ever get to see my partner again.
It’s been 6 months and I miss him so much [especially as I’m typing this while we’re apart on Valentine’s day] . It’s hard because we get to talk so little, writing to him has been hard as my fatigue has been so bad and visits are impossible while I’m a psychiatric inpatient and my money has been cut as a result. Plus the thought of the journey then being trapped in a visiting room with loads of strangers, I just don’t know if I could do it. That thought makes me feel so guilty because I think I should be strong enough to do it for him. I miss him so much and I feel like a complete failure.
Waiting for the result of my hospital professionals’ meeting.
My anxiety about this is overwhelming and I am so convinced after two no’s from my previous assessments that it will be another no from them. If that happens my fear is that I’ll be stuck on a psychiatric ward long-term and I don’t think I could cope with that. My head is such a mess and I don’t see how I could cope alone in my flat without a decent level of support. The option of staying here long-term or being home without help, makes me want to cry.
My poor money-management.
I’m in debt, I’m trying to pay for my carer again because I couldn’t cope without her. I’m struggling to pay for the costs of my disability without Disability Living Allowance. The bills are mounting up and getting ignored, I’m getting chased for past debts and the whole thing is just making me feel ill.
My anxiety is causing me anxiety.
I’m either off my food or binge eating, I’m feeling sick and I just feel like crying all the time. I haven’t had panic attacks this bad since I was 19 (I’m 29 now). I just can’t cope. I can’t handle crowds (even small ones), I can’t handle being alone. It feels like life is impossible.
My paranoia is making me feel so depressed, I’m convinced that the whole world is plotting against me.
I don’t trust most people, I’m even convinced that my partner, who I adore, will get sick of me and leave me. All of the emotional abuse from my childhood is coming back to haunt me. My friends aren’t trusted to really care and I don’t even trust the food on the ward so I’m living on snacks. I’m terrified about what is happening to me.
Being many miles away from my family and friends.
I keep beating myself up for not working things out and managing to stay in London. I feel like I was happier and safer there. I wasn’t cured but I had more support and distraction, I was loved. My partner isn’t far from London and my entire family are over there, including my newborn niece. I feel like I’ve lost everything.
Negative comparison to others
I’m constantly beating myself up for not being a pro blogger by now (a year), a top published author, having the perfect figure and having finally got that Phd I’ve always dreamed of getting (when I didn’t even finish my degree). I compare myself to friends and family who have successful marriages with kids, and I compare myself to others who have talent, dream jobs or travelling opportunities.
Everyone is always on at me to be kinder to myself but I feel like to do that, I should be in a better place in my life rather than unemployed, stuck on a psychiatric ward.
Picking the top 5 things that upset me is really difficult as all of the various things merge into one. If I had to pick, it would probably be:
1.Worry over my partner
2.Frustration over not being able to look after myself properly (physically and financially.
3. My CMHt assessment
4. My anxiety
5. My negative comparison to others.
Day 5’s task, is for each of the 5 things you identified (in the last task), list 10 things you can do to gain control of the situation then pick the top 3 things from each list.
As I want to include explanations with each possible solution before I make my choice I have decided to split each problem into a post on its own so there will be 5 posts linked to this one then later I will hopefully do a follow-up post/s letting you know how I got on with my solutions.
How would you deal with these problems? Are you struggling with similar difficulties? What are your ways of coping? You can comment below or Tweet me @spursbythebeach . I really do look forward to hearing from you.
Make a list of all the things that you are grateful for-big things, small things and everything that you can think of:
1.My partner…We’ve had our ups and downs over the years and he is currently in prison, miles away from me, but he is such a huge support and I really do love and miss him so much.
2. My friends…it’s true that friends are the family you choose and mine have been through a lot with me. Being in a psychiatric hospital it’s surprising that not only do you make new friends who understand what you are going through, but you also realise, who of your existing friends, are your true friends.
3. My family…especially my newborn niece. I never thought that I could be more proud of my younger sister than I already was, or be so broody. Sadly, thanks to the meds I’m on, I’ll probably be unable to have kids of my own, so instead I will be spoiling my perfect little niece.
4.Being able to read…although it’s a battle at the moment, it helps me to get lost in someone else’s story, escape to another place/world. Reading has always been my refuge. I’m gradually clawing back the concentration levels I once had, which is a real battle against fatigue caused by the form of arthritis that I have , mental illness symptoms as well as the medications for both conditions. When I’m not able to read I feel angry, frustrated and alone.
5. Being able to write…This is another battle, especially when I’m constantly struggling to keep my eyes open. I love being able to express how I’m feeling deep inside in a constructive way. I like the writing community that I’ve found and I’m beginning to feel a part of it by blogging. I also love that I’ve been able to share my experiences with others as well as to raise awareness of mental illness.
6. My personal assistant/carer…although I’ve had to pretty much let her go for the time being till my finances are in better shape, she has made herself available, even now, for the measly number of hours I can offer her, which shows me what a true friend she is, as well as the fact that she’s made a huge positive difference to my life.
7.Arts and crafts/being creative…I love cardmaking, scrapbooking, clay modelling/sculpture making, photography etc. I love spending time being creative as it helps me to escape my thoughts for a little while and gives me a more positive focus.
8.Watching good/bad TV…A personal favourite is Home and Away. Again, anything that gives me escapism and helps me to lose myself in something else for a while, distracting me from my thoughts. I love the thought of sunning myself on a hot, sandy beach eyeing up the even hotter surfers.
9.Shopping…especially for books, clothes, toiletries and arts and crafts stuff. I tend to overspend though which can be a bit of a problem.
10. Pampering myself…getting someone to do my hair, doing my make-up or trying out new outfits. Anything a bit girly and something to take my mind off things.
Well considering how negative I am feeling at the moment I think 10 things to be grateful for is a pretty good start. My eyes are quite heavy again at the moment, so I’m going to leave it at that. What things are you grateful for? Feel free to comment or tweet me @spursbythebeach .