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5 relapse signatures that my mind is becoming depressed

Depressed Kitty

Depressed Kitty

Care planning

Today I was working on my care plan with my Social Worker and my Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) and they asked me to think about what my signs are that I am about to relapse. At the time I struggled to think of any, but I’ve given it more thought and come up with 5 for me to be aware of.

1. Tearfulness

I cry at anything and everything when I’m becoming depressed. Once I start crying, I’m in floods of tears and nothing can stop me. The slightest thing could set me off then that gets added to my insecurities, low self-esteem and bad memories, and it feels like I’ll never get away from the misery.

2. Lethargy

I have absolutely NO energy. My eyes are getting heavy this far into writing this post. All I want to do is sleep. I try to fight it but it never lasts and as a result my routine is all over the place and I find myself writing with my eyes closed.

3. Poor concentration

At this point in drafting the post I really could no longer focus so I went back to bed. Words were jumbled in my mind and I couldn’t work out where best to place them. It’s a struggle to both read and write, even picking up a magazine is a huge challenge. All I can think is, this isn’t me, this isn’t what I wanted my life to be like.

4.Loss of interest in things

Mainly people, which isn’t like me at all. It’s like I’m trying to distance myself from the pain that they would feel if I were to act on my suicidal thoughts. This can include isolating myself socially. I also stop doing the things that I love such as reading and writing, or I do less of them.

5. Difficulty making decisions

From what to wear in the morning, to what to eat, to what to buy, it’s so difficult to make a choice, because I’m convinced that I’ll make the wrong one, with my self-esteem so low.

People who know me, and maybe some who don’t, are probably noticing that I fit my relapse signatures at the moment. I’m nervous, but I’m trying to fight it by reaching out on here and social media to see if anyone feels the same as me or knows what to do.

Keep on fighting, then rest

I do kind of know what to do: keep busy, keep fighting, keep talking about how I feel, sleep when it’s safer to sleep, take my medication as prescribed and once I’ve reached the peak of fighting it, allow myself to rest.

Friendship and mental health

The hardest thing…

One of the hardest things about having a mental illness is losing friends. I never really know whether to take it personally or whether it is as a result of my diagnosis and symptoms. All I do know is that as an impact of my conditions (Borderline personality disorder/possible Bipolar), I find it harder to make and maintain friendships than the average person seems to.

Firstly, I’m unpredictable. One minute I’m happy-go-lucky, impulsive and sociable, the next minute I’m isolating myself, paranoid and hostile. I can understand why people would struggle to have patience with that, but it hurts when people promise that they will stick by me then let me down for more ‘fun’ friends.

I was in a psychiatric hospital for about four months. The majority of ‘friends’ were either afraid or unwilling to visit me during that time, especially after the initial week or two. It hurt to watch other patients with their visitors, the lift it usually gave their mood, as my ‘friends’ distanced themselves, even when I was on day leave from hospital.

Perhaps they were worried about what sort of state they would find me in, how traumatic it would be for them to experience.

When it suits them

Then I got out of hospital and, apart from the occasional invite out, when it suits them to have me around -events they are going to anyway, etc, I haven’t heard from them.

Whenever I need their help and advice I’m either ignored, given a bunch of excuses and the knowledge that they have better things to do with their lives than deal with me.

Moving forward

I’m trying to move forward with life after hospital, but alone, it is so much harder. I have no-one to call and share with when good things happen, and no-one to turn to when I need a shoulder to cry on.

Without the support I get from readers of this blog and the Twitter community, I would probably have given up by now. So thank you, to my virtual friends.

30 things I want to do by the time I turn 30.

Today my best friend turned 30. I feel ashamed that I have done so little to celebrate it with her, and that it’s also left me with very self-centred thoughts about what turning 30 will be like for me, when life feels like it’s on hold due to mental illness and physical disability.

There is so much that I thought I would have achieved by the time I hit 30: Having a family, a career, an active social life. It feels like none of that will never happen. I think instead of focussing on all of the things that won’t happen, I need to focus on the things that could happen. Perhaps they will be smaller goals and achievements than I once would have set for myself (I’m sure even some of them may still prove impossible) but I really believe that it’s worth a try as I’m about ready to give up unless I give my mind something positive and new to focus on.

1. Write a collection of short stories based on some of my life experiences. Do my best to submit them to short story competitions and publishers, to see if I can work towards making my writing dreams come true.
It has been my dream for as long as I can remember to be an author and I really enjoy writing stories, I just haven’t put as much time into it as I should have. I would love to reach 30 and be well on my way to becoming a published author.

2. Build up this blog. It has been a real lifeline for me and I hope in time that it will become a lifeline for others. I would love to use it to challenge stigma and raise awareness of the issues that I, and many others face.
That means making the time to research and post every day. It will be a challenge, especially with my creative writing goal but it’s one that I would be very excited to achieve.

3. Start facing up to my financial difficulties. Speak to someone about managing my debts and apply for all the benefits that I am entitled to because of my disabilities.
This is quite an urgent problem and one I will be discussing with my new care manager when I meet her tomorrow.

4. Start living to a budget. Cut down on reckless spending and become more responsible.
Again, hopefully this is something I can work on with my new care manager as well as looking in therapy at the reasons behind my spending, as I’m pretty sure that many of the reasons are emotional ones.

5. Become less isolated. Work out ways to meet new people/make new friends including therapy groups, mental health day centres and possibly some short courses at my local university.
I’ve been putting off doing this for some time now, especially as I’ve been having to deal with my old enemy, panic attacks, and being around strangers often triggers this. I would like to do something though especially as I feel so alone right now. Another thing I’m considering doing is restarting the weekly mental health Twitter chats that I used to host.

6. Decide whether I want to go back to uni again. I have tried and failed on so many attempts, do I really want to put myself through this?
Last year’s attempt went so badly that it’s sort of scared me off but I’m aware that establishing a career as a writer will be a lot harder without the relevant training.

7. Find a GP who has empathy for how much pain I am in and is proactive about fighting to help me to get the treatment that I need.
I am planning on signing up with a new GP this week as I’ve just moved house. I’m very nervous about finding the right GP though.

8. Try to avoid returning to the psych ward as an inpatient and ideally get discharged from the hospital asap.
I have another ward round to attend on Monday when I will probably get discharged. Maintaining life on the outside though, is the real challenge.

9. Persist with trying to help my partner to get a move to a closer prison as while he is in the current one visiting is pretty impossible for me which is extremely upsetting for us both
It’s so stressful and painful travelling such a long distance for a two hour visit. I just want a chance to see him on a more regular basis.

10. Write to the Home Secretary about my partner’s D category situation and campaign to get him returned to at least open conditions.
My partner has been left in limbo for long enough. Yes he has messed up but he has served the time he was set and now just needs to be given a chance, even if that means supervision, he just wants a chance.

11. Work with my carer and new team from the Community Mental Health services to improve my chances of reaching a better standard of mental wellness.
I should be getting a new CPN (who I will be meeting tomorrow) as well as input from a psychologist. I know how lucky I am to have been given this input and had to fight to achieve it but now the important thing is that I make the most of it as the help could be life-changing and I really need it to be.

12. Share what works for me on this blog so that hopefully I am able to help others.
I really want to help others who are facing the same obstacles as I am, I hope this blog can become a place of encouragement and understanding.

13.Get married. My partner is my first and hopefully, my last love. Neither of us are perfect but I can’t imagine my life without him in it and would love to make that official as soon as possible.
There is a lot to arrange and I know it won’t be easy. A lot of people want me to wait but I love him and our relationship is one of the things that helps me to stay strong.

14. Visit my family. We’ve had a challenging time over recent years and they still struggle to understand me, but I would like to build bridges with them and I’d love to spend some time with my newborn niece.
It will probably be an emotional time full of mixed feelings but it is something that I really need to do asap.

15. Spend more time with old friends. I miss them and no-one understands me better than they do so I need to make more time for them.
This may mean working out a way I can travel more easily or finally making a decision about a permanent move. Either way, my true friends are worth it and I need to give them more focus than I have been.

16. Make a scrapbook of dreams and ambitions for the next 10 years and set about focussing on how to achieve my dreams.
I love scrapbooking and it was a huge help while I was in hospital. I feel like it could be an excellent way for me to focus on my future in a creative manner.

17. Set myself realistic goals, especially to start with, so that I don’t give up or burn out.
This could be by starting with 5-10 minutes a day of writing time or a chapter of a book/ a single short story a night.

18. Travel somewhere I’ve never been before. Or somewhere I’ve been long ago that I liked.
A few possibilities could mean finally getting a passport and visiting my best friend in Sweden or fulfilling my dreams of going to Paris or New York. Alternatively I could start smaller with a weekend break somewhere like Cardiff.

19. If I reach the right level of wellness, apply for the BBC trainee scheme aimed at disabled people.
It has been my dream for years to try for this but I haven’t yet reached the level of wellness that I’d like to be at to make this happen. Fatigue and pain are huge obstacles and I’m hoping that in time I can work out ways to overcome them.

20. Make a decision about whether I should remain in Wales or move back to London. Consider all factors such as finances, social support and health care. Once I’ve made a decision, try to do things to help myself stick to it. Until I make a decision, try not to put my life on hold.
At the moment I’m getting a good standard of mental health care here, but was receiving more physical care and had better medication options in London. Finances play a huge factor so a lot will have to remain to be seen.

21. Persist with my request for a better standard of care for my Ankylosing spondylitis and mental illness, refuse to be fobbed off or made to feel guilty for asking for what I need.
I need to speak to the advocacy service about whether there is any way that I can get more care and support for my physical needs. I also need to make sure that I research thoroughly all the options that are available to me, including by contacting organisations such as National Ankylosing Spondylitis Society (NASS).

22. Make a decision about whether or not to get a cat.
It’s a big responsibility and caring for it may prove a huge strain but it could be a challenge for me to learn to adapt better to.

23. Try to stick to a routine a bit more so that I over-do it less and get better at balancing activity with rest.
I tend to overdo it then crash for days afterwards. I need to get better at balancing out my energy levels by combining any activity with periods of rest.

24. Look into ways I can improve my opportunities to become a freelance writer/journalist and try my best to make it happen.
Read up on ways to break into the industry and spend more time and energy getting my blog posts to a standard that I am pleased with and hope that that speaks to future bosses.

25. Have a relaxing holiday, ideally somewhere I can focus on my writing.
I’ve heard of writing holidays and this sounds like something that is right up my street and definitely something that I should research in the very near future.

26. Make more of an effort to go to literary events both here in Wales and in London and elsewhere. My dream is to go to the Hay festival of literature. If I can’t make this year’s event I should definitely make sure I attend it next year.
Research and budget for whether a weekend in Hay on Wye would be possible as it would be a dream come true to attend it.

27. Set aside time every day for writing. Everything from blog writing, journalism, creative writing exercises, drafting stories.
It would probably also help to set aside a specific place for me to write, perhaps investigate some sort of laptop desk and somewhere to organise my writing research.

28. Set aside time every day for reading – blogs, newspapers and magazines, poetry, books, writing tips etc. Make notes on what I learn.
Reading used to provide such escapism for me but now I need to start reading in a more educated way, learning from those who have gone before me.

29. Try to have more of a distinct online presence. I want to spend more time focussing on my unique qualities instead of the things that have been holding me back.
I need to develop my own clear identity and work at getting that across to people, trying to break the mould instead of fitting into it.

30. Try to make time just to relax, unwind and have fun!!
Pamper sessions, magazines and trashy tv. Anything that helps me to switch off and stops me overthinking.

Anyway enough about my 30 things before I reach 30. What would you like to achieve before your next big birthday? Answer in the comments section below or on Twitter @spursbythebeach.

What’s on my mind…

I haven’t posted on a regular basis in sometime so I really do appreciate the fact that I have some very loyal, patient readers left. It really has meant so much to know that in my darkest hours, you hadn’t given up on me. That became one of the things that got me fighting again.

It’s been a challenging week so I thought that I’d share with you some of what I’m facing right now. I do this mainly because I wanted to feel less alone and also because I wanted to reach out to others facing issues like these.

If you’d like to continue the conversation after you’ve read this post, you can add a comment or, as I’m always on Twitter, you could add me on @spursbythebeach . I look forward to hearing what you think.

I’ve been refused a care assessment from social services physical disabilities team.

Based on two Occupational Therapy assessments that took place while I was on the psych ward, and, I had been told previously, were being ignored.

Apparently I was refused a care assessment because, firstly, I ‘need to remain as mobile as possible’ despite the fact that I am on crutches and high doses of pain meds  due to the agonising pain I am in, on a near-constant basis in my back and knees.
Secondly, I ‘didn’t ask for help’ that is because help was never offered to me and most of the time I was too embarrassed/proud/scared to ask as a 29 year old woman. I think this is probably the same at any age.
Thirdly, the borough in London that I spent the summer in, arranged an assessment with a social worker who, after investigating my medical evidence and really listening to what I had to say about my care needs, had daily carers put in place within the week. Why then if my physical health has worsened since then, is the same not being done in Wales?

I actually had a chance to confront one of the OT’s who made this judgement today and he just said we will have a ‘longer chat’ when he drops some equipment off to the house next week and mentioned that I could speak to advocacy about appealing the decision and that’s now top of my list to do. I just think that receiving the right care shouldn’t be a postcode lottery.

Another thing on my mind is my PIP assessment fast approaching. It’s a real worry as at the moment I am getting myself into masses of debt while my DLA has been stopped since I’ve been in hospital, as I’ve had to pay for a carer privately with no help from social services at all so far. This along with still waiting for my new care manager to visit, is causing me a great deal of worry and stress.

I know I have a lot to lose with this PIP assessment so I had a good chat with the two amazing people who run the NASS helpline and became a member. I also rang my rheumatologist and he has brought forward an appointment that was due on April 1st to next Wednesday. I’m just really desperate for him to do something to help me and find out exactly what is going on wiith my body.

I am still on my first week of leave from hospital and I have yet to be officially discharged although hopefully I will be as of Monday next week.

This has probably been the most challenging week of my life.

I got out of hospital and really hoped that things could go back to the way they were before with my friends. In most cases there is too much history there now, I’ve been too much of a let-down. As a result I feel lost. Either they don’t believe that I will ever fully recover (perhaps I won’t) or I’ve put them through too much during the past few months and they can no longer get past it.

Some people have stuck by me, the main ones being my carer, my best friend who lives in Sweden and my sister, who I’m beginning to build bridges with.

There are a couple of others who are feeling worried since my recent issues with paranoia, which is a vicious circle, as this was probably brought on by the stress brought on by loneliness and isolation.

Leaving a psych ward can be one of the loneliest times that you will ever face. You go from being around lots of people – staff and patients – 24 hours a day, to all of a sudden spending long periods of time by yourself.

I’ve decided to invest in a small TV but I’m just hoping that it doesn’t distract me too much from my blogging. I really feel like the only place that I can feel safe to say what’s really on my mind, and to generally be understood, is this blog.

Aside from the loneliness of leaving hospital, I’ve had to try to start again in a flat that I’ve hardly lived in which is still very chaotic as I need to finish unpacking, get into some kind of routine and start doing the things that I love again like reading and blogging.

I’ve just upgraded the blog and I’m quite pleased already. I’m always open to feedback and suggestions and would appreciate any constructive criticism anyone could offer me.

I want to start moving forward and looking to the future I’m just not sure how to go about it. I really want this blog to become a more positive place but most of all it has to be an honest place which means that I may not achieve positivity all the time.

I’ve spent some time recently considering how I want to move forwards with the blog and this year I want to really fight to raise more awareness, lessen feelings of isolation, and offer an alternative to mental health stigma and ignorance. I’m hoping that this blog can become a place where people feel they will be understood, and that raises issues that concern both myself and the readers of this blog, so that more people will know of the struggles faced by those with mental illness and/or physical disability, exactly how hard we have to fight.

Journalling for self-expression day 2

Write a letter to a person you are angry with. Say everything you are feeling and wish you had the nerve to say.

Dear David Cameron,

Thank you for helping to make my life even more of a misery than it already was.

Postcode lottery

First of all, your cuts to social care services make getting the help I need, near impossible. You make getting help from physical disabilities teams as well as Community Mental Health Teams, almost impossible. It has become a complete postcode lottery.

When it works

In some places, having a mental illness, full stop, means that you can get the help you need, especially without having to become a psychiatric hospital inpatient.

On the two occasions I’ve returned briefly to London, I’ve found good preventative measures in place that are simply non-existent in Wales. Ideas like the south-west London recovery college, this runs courses on better management of your mental health condition, as well as more therapeutic classes such as how to tell your story and journalling for self-expression (see my previous post) https://brokenglassshimmers.wordpress.com/2015/02/01/mental-health-recovery-idea-journalling-for-self-expression-day/ .

In Islington they have come up with the fantastic idea of having crisis houses, which people in mental health crisis can move to for a couple of weeks, as an alternative to going to hospital.

Vicious cycle

The only issue with these crisis houses are that the buildings that house them are rarely disabled accessible, which in reality, with the increasing number of disabled people, the likelihood of them experiencing both physical and mental illness has increased, with the two types of disability aggravating each other in a vicious cycle.

Why not UK-wide?

These ideas, although far from perfect, should be learnt from and rolled out on a UK-wide scale, instead of it being the case that getting the right care is dependent on where you live.

Direct payments

Your tightening up of criteria for help from a once great idea, Direct payments, has made life even more challenging for those living with physical and/or mental health conditions. The only thing I am guilty of, is moving out of the area I live in for a couple of months, before returning. As a result of that, I permanently lost my help from the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) , both care management and Direct Payments, as well as my independence.

A daily struggle

I struggled to pay for my carer from my DLA once I returned, as going without her would probably lead to suicide. Instead of me contributing half the cost of my care and social services meeting the other half, I have had to pay for all of it, as well as the other costs related to my disabilities. The struggle financially as well as mentally, resulted in me ending up in a psychiatric hospital as an inpatient.

Inpatient DLA rules

The really ‘well thought out’ rule of stopping DLA for hospital inpatients once they have been in hospital for 28 days, is another idea that makes no sense to me. Just because someone with a disability/illness is in hospital, doesn’t mean that they can stop having a disability, or stop the additional costs that are involved in having that disability.

I feel especially bad for people who have leased cars, mobility scooters or electric wheelchairs through the Motability scheme. As well as that, what happens to people, like me, informal psychiatric patients who have some remaining freedom, but who rely on a carer to help to keep that freedom a reality?

My carer was the only reason that, till now, I didn’t become institutionalised , and was the difference between me getting off the ward or being stuck here day in, day out. Now I have lost both Direct Payments and my carer as I cannot afford to keep my carer for the moment and I’ve ended up losing her to someone who can afford her.

Problems piling up

I am absolutely heartbroken. In hospital I have been threatened and scared, despite the efforts of some of the few kind, but underpaid and overstretched nurses, I feel afraid and alone, that I am an easy target, and that this could cost me my life.

You may wonder why that is? Well add financial pressure, to loss of mobility and independence, on top of physical disability, mental illness and isolation. With all of that piled on me, whilst being expected to survive on my own, is it any wonder that I struggle?

Friendship

My only friends are either completely lost as to understanding what I’m going through, or they themselves are in the mental health system and struggle to deal with my issues on top of their own. My carer was the only one who didn’t find me too much for her and now I’ve lost her. I’m so broke that I can’t even afford to visit my family, including my newborn niece.

Walk in my shoes

Just for a minute, take a walk in my shoes. Pain, fatigue, a constant desire to harm yourself, isolation, loss and an unstable mood. I feel powerless over my own life and what happens to me, which is a scary place to be. You have power over the lives of others as well as your own life. You have the power to change my life.

Practicalities

So next time you talk about the need to reduce mental health stigma, think of the practical things that you are able to put in place to do just that.

If

My mind returns to a few months ago, when I had a life, ambition, was closer to my loved ones, had a suitable place to live and was far less isolated. If I hadn’t been wrongly advised by DWP and majorly let down by your government, I might actually be in a better position to cope right now, instead of in a room on a psychiatric ward.

Whether or not I make it, as I have lost faith that anyone can, or will, be able to help me, I want you to really think about what you are doing. I want you to consider the destruction you are causing and the lives that are being lost as a result of your cost-saving measures. I’m sure even after you do that, you will return to your cosy life and your cosy family and forget all about us but I want you to spare at least one minute of your time, thinking about what you have done to us.

Liebster award!

Thank you to Melissa Williams of labeltwntynine.com who has nominated me for the Liebster award. As part of the award I must go on to nominate 11 other bloggers, share 11 random facts about myself, answer the 11 questions set me by Melissa and set 11 questions to be answered by the people who I have nominated.

First of all, the 11 people I am nominating are as follows…

1. Srstanyon.wordpress.com

2. Blogapocalypse.wordpress.com

3. Thisismemedicated.wordpress.com

4. Andjustatouchofcrazy.wordpress.com

5. Recoveringolivia.wordpress.com

6. Gingeringlasses.com

7. Beautyfrompainblog.com

8. Mindstumble.blogspot.co.uk

9. Rosiebrownfightingstigma.wordpress.com

10. Wanderingthruthewilderness.wordpress.com

11. Lostprincess5.wordpress.com

 

11 random facts about me:

1. I am currently writing my blog from a psychiatric ward.

2. I have started and nearly started a grand total of 3 degrees.

3. I have completed beginner level counselling training .

4. I am obsessed with notebooks, mainly writing lists and planning future blog posts.

5. My dream job is to be a journalist .

6. My other dream job is to write a book of my experiences .

7. My ideal holiday would be to attend a writer’s retreat.

8. I have moved over 10 times this year.

9. I would love to be well enough to go back to uni and study either creative writing or art.

10. I’m originally from London and now live in South Wales .

11. I’m about to become an auntie.

 

Questions from Melissa:

1. If you could give your younger self a piece of advice, what would it be?

Stop hating yourself!

2. Who is one of your sources of inspiration ?

Charlotte Walker ( purplepersuasion.wordpress.com ) .

3. What is something that you cannot live without?

Friendship, both online and offline.

4. What would be your ideal date or ideal outing in general?

A trip to London to see my friends and family over there, especially my soon-to-be-born niece.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world for the next year, where would it be and why?

Either where Home and Away is filmed in Australia or near my friends and family in London with regular trips back to my friends in South Wales .

6. What makes you happy?

My partner and the sense of achievement I get when I publish a piece of writing .

7. What quality in a person is a complete turn-off? Why?

Someone who is a bully as I have been on the receiving end of bullying far too many times in my life.

8. Why did you start blogging?

To reach out to others with mental illness so we would feel less alone and to raise awareness and understanding of what life is like with a mental illness for those who do not have that experience but who are interested in finding out more. The other reason why I started blogging is because I love to write and I wanted to share my writing with others.

9. What is your secret obsession?

I have a bit of a shopping problem.

10. What television show or book are you loving right now?

I’m getting much of an opportunity to read or watch TV but my guilty pleasures are Game of thrones (book and film) and Home and Away.

11. Who is your celebrity crush? Why?

It’s very embarrassing to admit but Brax in home and away is very cute.

 

Right, my questions for those I have nominated are as follows:

1. When did you start blogging? (Age and length of time ago) .

2. What is the category of your blog?

3. You’re on a desert island and can only bring one book, what would it be and why?

4. Which social media account of yours do you use the most?

5. Do you read any magazines?

6. What was the last thing you watched?

7. Same desert island, what celebrity would you want to be stuck with and why.

8. Why did you chose your blog’s name?

9. What is your dream job/career/life goal?

10. Who are your top 3 favourite bloggers?

11. What is your guilty pleasure?

 

So now it’s your turn, nominate 11 bloggers with 200 or less followers, answer the questions I’ve set as well as giving 11 random facts about yourself and finally, set your nominees 11 questions to answer . If you have any questions please feel free to email me on spursbythebeach@hotmail.co.uk or tweet @spursbythebeach . I look forward to reading your posts/comments 🙂

New year, new focus

As some of my Twitter followers (@spursbythebeach) may already know , i have been re admitted to a psychiatric ward since just before Christmas . Despite my positivity at the end of my last hospitalisation that I would be assessed and care-mana

Me

Me

ged once again by the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) and the ward doctor’s assurance that an assessment was due a couple of days after my discharge , absolutely NOTHING happened on that front.

No, no and…no!

Well aside from being assured that I would not be entitled to another assessment from the CMHT, that I did not have a serious mental illness (news to me and the ward doctor!) and that I couldn’t even get advocacy to make a complaint about the decision as I wasn’t being care managed.

Things worsened at home . I struggled to manage my new flat with the limited support that was available to me. I’ve struggled to manage physically, mentally and financially.

Step backwards?

Just before Christmas I was ready to give up. I hit self-destruct and almost lost my partner because I self-harmed. I was suicidal and close to acting on my thoughts, so the safest thing for me to do, although it feels like a step backwards, was to be re admitted to hospital .

This period in hospital has been a challenging one. I’ve had to spend time on two wards, had fewer visitors and less of an inpatient support network than last time.

Recovery

Instead of spending my time focussing on other people, I’ve had to focus on my own thoughts and feelings , my own recovery strategies, my own future, however difficult that has been at times.

I’ve been trying to focus on ways I can move forward that are positive and practical . I’ve started engaging in more creative activities like scrapbooking and cardmaking, although I have to be careful to balance activity with rest because of my Ankylosing Spondylitis (a form of inflammatory arthritis known as AS).

I also have suspected nerve damage in my left arm and hand, which I’m waiting to see a specialist about and which could also be as a result of my arthritis.

Perspective

The other thing I’ve gained from this is perspective . It’s made me question what I really want from my life. I’m in two minds whether to try distance learning , probably in creative writing or something artistic. The main thing I want to focus on this year though is my writing, especially my blogs.

Blogging focus

I’ve been writing this blog for about a year now and trying to juggle it with being unwell has been a real challenge, leading me at times to wonder if I should just give up. However, I love blogging and feel so passionate about growing and improving this blog that I don’t have the heart to give up on it. Plus I still have so much that I want to say. That means that I need to fight harder to make a go of it.

I’m starting 2015 by remembering the reasons why I started this blog in the first place. I want to raise awareness of what life is like with mental illness and physical disability and to reach out to those who face similar struggles so that we all feel less alone.

With this focus in mind my aim is to post more often but to also remember what works: honesty, passion and not being afraid to share things that at times are very personal to me. I do not do this to air my dirty laundry in public, but because I hope that my truth may also be someone else’s truth, if that makes any sense?

Something new

As well as this blog, I also fancied creating a bit of escapism for myself and hopefully others too with the focus on budget make up and beauty products. My blog Http://thebudgetbeautyexperiment.wordpress.com will be launched later this month so for those who might be interested I’ll also keep you focused on my progress with that.

Thank you

Finally, for those of you who have kept on believing in me and continued to read my posts no matter how few and far between they may have been at times, I just want to say thank you! It really means a lot to have your support and encouragement.

Please continue to comment, tweet @spursbythebeach, Instagram @spursbythebeach or email me on brokenglassshimmers@hotmail.co.uk , as I really enjoy getting your feedback and learn a lot from it. If you have any ideas on how the blog could be improved further, I’m always open to hearing a reader’s perspective.

Living with loneliness

I was reading a feature in the UK edition of Glamour, January 2015 issue (page 46) earlier today, which informed me of the maybe not too surprising statistic, ‘48% of us have felt lonely at some point’. Although this is quite a high percentage and often it looks as though everyone else is sorted with loving family and friends and hectic social lives, so many of us actually struggle with this issue. And I have to admit that I’m one of the people struggling.

There are a number of causes and triggers to my loneliness and I also choose to fight loneliness in a number of ways. The feature in Glamour UK was useful as it consisted of contributions from readers as to how they coped with the causes of their loneliness.

Causes/triggers of my loneliness

The first of the main causes of my loneliness is being disabled and having mobility problems. I live with a form of arthritis known as Ankylosing Spondylitis which affects a number of my joints and bones, especially my spine and my knees. This causes a lot of pain, I struggle to travel far and rely on crutches to help me get around. Because of this even getting to the nearest bus stop to my place left me in agony so I am mainly a recluse, reliant on other people to visit me or pick me up. This is extremely frustrating, especially at my age (29) when most of my friends are out socialising or partying and I can’t even make it to the local corner shop. I cover some of the issues I face in the post: https://brokenglassshimmers.wordpress.com/2014/04/14/juggling-posting-with-ill-health/

The second cause is having a mental health problem and the stigma that is attached. Aside from the mobility problems that result from my physical disability, my mental illness only adds to the isolation and loneliness as I have a habit of pushing people away or hiding from the world when I’m struggling. Also I have a habit of thinking very negatively and few people are willing to stick around when I’m like that. I cover my struggles with posting with both physical and mental health problems in the post: https://brokenglassshimmers.wordpress.com/2014/10/09/reasonsexcuses-for-my-lack-of-posts/ .

Another difficulty that I face that leads to a great deal of loneliness is having a loved one in prison. In the post https://brokenglassshimmers.wordpress.com/2014/01/27/life-spent-loving-someone-behind-bars/ I explain in more detail how having a loved one in prison affects me in so many ways, including the loneliness I feel as a result. In my last post: https://brokenglassshimmers.wordpress.com/2014/12/19/absent-loved-ones-this-christmas/ I explain how living with a loved one in prison is more common than we think, especially for the 200,000 children who have a loved one in prison at Christmas. The main thing is again, the isolation. For many people, they take for granted that their partner is there for them when they need them but I have to wait for a phone call or a visit and as my partner is so far away and my mobility problems and pain levels impact on me so greatly, a face-to-face visit is incredibly difficult to arrange. Not only that, I tend to bottle up my feelings quite often instead of sharing everything with my partner, because I don’t want to cause him worry when he is quite powerless to help.

Another cause of loneliness that is also, I expect, quite common in people my age, are friends becoming acquaintances. As most people my age and younger get married, have families, move away or have challenging careers, their priorities shift. Whereas in the past they may have had time and patience for my dramas, now they have more pressing needs. It’s hard to let go when it’s once someone you were so close with, when there’s such a strong shared history. More and more often though, I’m beginning to see how holding onto these newly acquired acquaintances is more likely to cause loneliness and pain than completely severing all ties. Seeing that you’ve been replaced or just aren’t thought of in the same way, can be hard to accept and the two main ways of dealing with those feelings, internalising or confrontation are rarely very successful. You find yourself longing for what was instead of accepting what is.

Another thing many of us are guilty of that contributes to our sense of loneliness is comparing ourselves to people on social media sites. On social media very few, if any reveal their complete true selves so while we find ourselves envying someone who has a ‘perfect’ lifestyle or ‘dream’ career, it is easy to forget that we are often looking at things through rose tinted glasses. It does nothing for my self-esteem and confidence when I judge myself against the achievements of others as, whatever I do, I will usually end up falling short.

Over the years I have moved around quite a bit and living in a new area usually adds to feelings of loneliness. This feeling is increased when you have to tolerate nuisance neighbours or less than perfect home decor. I spend most of my time at home so the way I feel about where I live impacts a great deal on me personally. Our home is meant to be our refuge but it doesn’t always work out that way. That doesn’t mean that I’m not grateful to have a roof over my head, it just means that I have a long way to go before I see the place I live as my home.

Strategies for dealing with loneliness

One of the things that helps me to tackle loneliness the most is having a carer. She has been working with me for some time now and although it is a challenge to afford the help, I wouldn’t have got this far without it. One of the ways she helps me with loneliness is to get me out of the house but she has also become a good friend and provides lots of encouragement and a listening ear as well as helping in many practical ways too.

Another strategy that is of great importance for me is to keep in touch with my partner and close friends on a regular basis. This could be via his daily phone calls, the email a prisoner service or writing a letter or card. For my friends I’m quite reliant on Whatsapp as many are so busy that they rarely have time to talk. We do try to arrange meet-ups in person as often as possible although I am still struggling to become as reliable as I would like to be.

What also helps is to recognise that you ‘can’t please all of the people all of the time’ and that some people are only meant to be in your life ‘for a season’. It’s rare for me to want to let go of the people in my life but sometimes instead of wasting time fighting for what is lost we should open our eyes to what remains and our hearts for what is yet to come.

Something that has made a huge difference to my life is beginning to blog about my experiences and joining blogging communities. I have received so much support and encouragement already from other readers and bloggers that it really helps me to feel part of something and less alone. The post https://brokenglassshimmers.wordpress.com/2014/04/10/how-i-cope-on-a-daily-basis-inspiration-that-keeps-me-focussed/ explains a bit more about why I blog and how I feel to be part of the blogging community.

Another thing I try to do is as well as following people on social media who I can look up to and admire for their successes, I also try to have an equal balance by following people who I can relate to. It especially helps me to hear about other people facing similar issues and struggles, and learning from them how best to cope, without feeling like it’s impossible to measure up. I learn from people at all stages of the recovery journey, especially those who remember what it’s like to be in the bleakest of places and who instead of pretending they know it all, admit where they have gone wrong as well as what helps them to get it right.

I think that the important thing about loneliness is remembering that almost half of us will face it at one time or another and that we really aren’t alone with feeling lonely. Being aware of triggers and issues that contribute to loneliness is important because once we know the causes we can begin to figure out how to find the solutions, although often it will be a case of trial and error.

Do you find loneliness a struggle? Or have you found successful ways of dealing with loneliness? What works for you? Feel free to comment below, on Twitter @spursbythebeach or email brokenglassshimmers@hotmail.co.uk .

The beginning of a new beginning?

What follows are extracts from a letter I wrote to someone while I was in my third week of hospital admission in a psychiatric ward. This was a real turning point for me and by writing it I came to realise a few things…

‘…My memories of you and thoughts of you are what keep me fighting harder and harder every day…And I’ve realised, although it’s taken me a stupidly long time to realise, that if I die then I will lose you, so even considering dying is stupid because I CAN’T lose you.

Writing this has made me more aware of how much I need to get better and has finally sorted out my head. I think I’m ready to start thinking about leaving hospital.

…I just need to think carefully about how I’m going to stay in this frame of mind, put stuff in place so that I can leave hospital without coming back. I don’t ever want you to go through this worry again.

It doesn’t mean that I’ll ever be completely cured but I’m not spending my life in hospital waiting for that day to come when I could be out in the real world, living my life…

…I’m not going to go to supported accommodation either. I’ve thought about it and even if it means losing support and having to go back to my temporary accommodation, I need my own space.

The only thing keeping me here now is pain management but I’m going to speak to the doctor asap to ask what can be done about that if I go home on Monday or Thursday at the latest (hopefully). I’m a voluntary patient so as long as I can prove that I am ready, they’ll be happy to let me go home and I may even show them this letter to fight my case.

I’m going to call a few people, speak to my carer and a member of staff and hopefully I will then have some good news for you…

The past few weeks have been some of the most challenging of my life. I’ve learnt so much about myself, my relationships with others and my battle with mental illness. I’ve pushed myself and many loved ones, to their limits and there were times I (and I’m sure many others) weren’t sure if I was going to make it. 

By using the support I’ve received from my partner, family, friends, staff and other patients, I have begun to come out the other side and I now have the smallest shred of hope that I need to hold on to tightly.

The lessons I’ve learned about the impact of self-harm and suicide , have taken many long years of battling mental illness, to accept.

I’ve read so often about the finality of suicide and never really took it in. It won’t just mean an end of physical and mental pain, it means an end of my relationships with the people that I love, an impact on people whose lives I may have touched – even in the smallest of ways, and giving up before I’ve had a chance to see if I can achieve my dreams. 

When life is at its bleakest, those lessons are hard to accept and we often delude ourselves, ignore them or fight against the truth. I just hope that this is the beginning of a new attitude towards my life.

For a long time, my life stretched on before me full of fear and negative predictions. The fear hasn’t completely left me and the negative predictions haven’t all gone away. I’m sure there will still be times when I feel frustrated, disappointed and hopeless. The difference is, now I’ve finally admitted to myself that I have a great deal to lose and a lot of hurt to cause, if I give up on life.

The decision about supported accommodation has been given a lot of consideration but I have recognised that although hospital has been beneficial, I don’t want to live my life permanently in that sort of environment.

I also have yet to be assessed by Swansea Community Mental Health Team. This is something that really frustrates me. I feel extremely disappointed in the mental health provision that I have received in the community and that it has taken a hospital admission for me to receive the care that I so desperately need. It worries me a great deal that nothing has been put in place and I’m sure that Swansea CMHT will do everything they can to avoid taking over my care, despite my high level of need.

Despite that, I have now recovered some of my fight and I will not be giving up so easily once I am discharged. I just hope that the fighting pays off.’

That was weeks ago and a lot has happened since for me to fill you in on. I will be trying to update you as soon as possible with the latest going’s on as well as other issues related to having a mental illness and physical disability.

I wanted to share this so that hopefully I can challenge some of the stigma about mental illness and hospitalisation and show that being admitted to a psychiatric ward does not always have to mean the end of the world.

Have any of you been admitted to a psych hospital? If so, what were your experiences and how did you know when you were ready to leave? You can comment below or add me on Twitter @spursbythebeach or email brokenglassshimmers@hotmail.co.uk .

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