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Ready for a fight

You may or may not have noticed, that I have been absent, and almost absent, from the blogging community and social media. Hardly a word has been typed during this past month.

As a result I have felt isolated and lost. I was just starting to really think of myself as a blogger, when it all seemed to crash and burn, and I wondered if I would ever get it back.

The thought of a life without this blog and social media, depressed me and made me feel more alone than I’d felt in a long time. I missed the community that I’ve had on this blog and Twitter etc.

What happened?

This time has been less obvious as I wasn’t constantly feeling suicidal (although I still have my moments), I wasn’t on a psychiatric ward. Instead it has been a mixture of lethargy, distraction, personal problems, anxiety and depression, specifically negative thinking.

All I seem to do is sleep. I’ve tried reducing meds, but that made no difference, so I’m mostly back on them again. It’s so frustrating. I’m fighting back though. I’m determined to start posting again this week, and to finally return to the blogging and social media communities.

How do I plan to do this? Focus!

Frequently write something in draft form, coming back on a regular basis to add to, and edit, what I’ve written, so before I know it, I’ve produced another blog post.

Old posts could inspire follow-up or new posts, or give me ideas on ways that I can improve the blog. So I’m going to go through the blog with a fine-tooth-comb to decide where I go next with the it.

Confidence – believe in myself. Don’t let negative comments hold me back, instead, learn from them and move on.

Understand myself . Some days will be easier than others. There will be days full of inspiration, and days where I struggle to get a single word on the page, whether due to energy levels and concentration, or just plain and simple writers’ block.

Statistics – learn from them. What worked, what didn’t. Most importantly, write from the heart and don’t be ruled by them.

Anyway if you’re glad to see me back or have any useful tips to share, please feel free to comment below or tweet me @spursbythebeach.

5 relapse signatures that my mind is becoming depressed

Depressed Kitty

Depressed Kitty

Care planning

Today I was working on my care plan with my Social Worker and my Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) and they asked me to think about what my signs are that I am about to relapse. At the time I struggled to think of any, but I’ve given it more thought and come up with 5 for me to be aware of.

1. Tearfulness

I cry at anything and everything when I’m becoming depressed. Once I start crying, I’m in floods of tears and nothing can stop me. The slightest thing could set me off then that gets added to my insecurities, low self-esteem and bad memories, and it feels like I’ll never get away from the misery.

2. Lethargy

I have absolutely NO energy. My eyes are getting heavy this far into writing this post. All I want to do is sleep. I try to fight it but it never lasts and as a result my routine is all over the place and I find myself writing with my eyes closed.

3. Poor concentration

At this point in drafting the post I really could no longer focus so I went back to bed. Words were jumbled in my mind and I couldn’t work out where best to place them. It’s a struggle to both read and write, even picking up a magazine is a huge challenge. All I can think is, this isn’t me, this isn’t what I wanted my life to be like.

4.Loss of interest in things

Mainly people, which isn’t like me at all. It’s like I’m trying to distance myself from the pain that they would feel if I were to act on my suicidal thoughts. This can include isolating myself socially. I also stop doing the things that I love such as reading and writing, or I do less of them.

5. Difficulty making decisions

From what to wear in the morning, to what to eat, to what to buy, it’s so difficult to make a choice, because I’m convinced that I’ll make the wrong one, with my self-esteem so low.

People who know me, and maybe some who don’t, are probably noticing that I fit my relapse signatures at the moment. I’m nervous, but I’m trying to fight it by reaching out on here and social media to see if anyone feels the same as me or knows what to do.

Keep on fighting, then rest

I do kind of know what to do: keep busy, keep fighting, keep talking about how I feel, sleep when it’s safer to sleep, take my medication as prescribed and once I’ve reached the peak of fighting it, allow myself to rest.

When the safety net is gone

The past few days has proved to be extremely challenging. My partner is having difficulties in prison that he was unwilling to share with me and I was beginning to spiral downhill again as I’m used to us sharing everything with each other. It felt like a very lonely place not to be a part of that team, I’d begun to feel reassured by.

A similar thing has happened with my friendships recently too. Whereas before we would lean on each other, now we have become distant and wary of sharing what’s really on our minds.

I don’t know if it’s just that certain relationships reach a point where you’ve given all you can give, and you have nothing left to offer. I certainly don’t believe this to be the case with my partner. I understand that, especially where male pride is concerned, it can be hard to open up when you feel you’ve got it wrong. Female pride is bad enough.

With the friendships though, as days pass without hearing from them, heading into weeks, I feel that it is about more than pride. I’ve pushed them too far with my emotional desperation, the needy phone calls and the consequent pushing them away, when I’m ashamed of how much I’ve depended on them.

I think the important thing for me to take from this, is that I need to choose the right people to lean on.

Instead of my partner, who is powerless to help me and likely to react in stupid ways in his desperation to try, I should be leaning on my care team. I have been lucky enough (after a lot of fighting) to have been allocated a Community Psychiatric Nurse, a social worker and a psychologist. They are also trying to arrange a support worker to take some of the pressure off me paying for my carer as much as I do.

I find it hard to seek help from them though. I worry that they’ll be too busy for me, that I’ll get rejected, or that how I feel will be belittled.

Well today was an important step forward, I reached out to my CPN, explained my difficulties to her and listened to what she had to say in response. She actually made a lot of sense!

It’s hard sometimes, not being able to share everything that happens with my partner, as it happens. Or even to just share with other likeminded individuals. I’m trying to face up to this by starting to attend two book clubs in my local area next month. I’m also still considering part time study for four hours a week in creative writing and literature. After the debacle of how ESA dealt with me last time I tried to further myself, I’ve been quite put off daring to take a step forward.

Alternatively though, there have been some positives from the past few days, I’ve received some mentoring from a couple of newspaper editors and I may have an exciting new project in the pipeline, watch this space…

This proves that when I take responsibility for my own happiness, instead of leaning so heavily on others, good things can happen.

What good things would you like to see happen in your own life? Either comment below or Tweet me @spursbythebeach.

Journalling for self-expression day 5 part 2

For each of the top 5 things that you identified [in the last task] https://brokenglassshimmers.wordpress.com/2015/02/14/journalling-for-self-expression-day-4/ , list 10 things that you can do to gain control of the situation. Pick the top 3 things from each list:

Part 2: Frustration over not being able to look after myself properly (due to physical and mental illness).

I will now list 10 things I can do to gain control of my frustration and I will then underline the 3 I believe to be the most helpful.

1. Accept the things that I can’t change and change the things that I can.

The things I can’t change are:

-Ignorant attitudes

-The fact that I have disabilities

-The fact that due to my pain and mobility problems, I can’t travel far and need help with things that other people take for granted.

The things I can change are:

-How informed those around me are about my condition.

-The people I choose to spend my time with.

2. Fight back for better pain management.

When I next see the rheumatologist, explain how important that I feel it is that I have a medication that is fighting the condition and that I feel that instead he has given up on me. Poor pain management only serves to increase my levels of anger, depression and negativity.

3. Ignore ignorant attitudes surrounding my physical and mental health, especially those which come from my family.

They’ve had plenty of time to ask me/research my conditions and they still show no interest whatsoever. No matter how painful it is, it’s time to move away from them.

4. Start being kinder to myself and accept that I am deserving of help.

This has been a complete battle for me since I was a teenager and it would be nice if things started to change.

5. Start a friend shortlist where I remove from my life or lessen the involvement of, friends who aren’t really interested. I’m tired of these one-way friendships.

This is one of the things that I will find the hardest to do, as once they are in my life, I hate letting go of people. The way I’m now looking at it is, the more unnecessary friendships I let go of, the more I make room for constructive new friendships, painful though it may be to say goodbye. Friends I am keeping in my life, at least short-term, I need to make more of an effort with, at least over the phone, by letter or email, to see if that effort is reciprocated.

6. Look at equipment that I could get that will make my life easier and more productive.

This could include a new, specialist built laptop which includes suitable hardware and software as well as aids and adaptations around the home and out and about.

7. Research the help and support that I can get now that I am staying in Swansea .

(I’m pleased to announce that I am being care managed!)

8. Start trying out different self-help strategies to improve my physical and mental health.

This could mean light physiotherapy exercises, heat and cold packs, a tens machine, online support websites and other strategies and techniques to better manage my physical and mental health.

9. Join forums and Twitter chats for people with mental illness and physical disabilities. If none are available then create some.

10.Be honest with people about what my struggle is actually like and what will help.

I could finally write that book that I’ve been talking about for years (I’ll keep you posted!).

If you noticed that some points were underlined as you went along, those are the key points that I will be trying to work on from now on.

Liebster award!

Thank you to Melissa Williams of labeltwntynine.com who has nominated me for the Liebster award. As part of the award I must go on to nominate 11 other bloggers, share 11 random facts about myself, answer the 11 questions set me by Melissa and set 11 questions to be answered by the people who I have nominated.

First of all, the 11 people I am nominating are as follows…

1. Srstanyon.wordpress.com

2. Blogapocalypse.wordpress.com

3. Thisismemedicated.wordpress.com

4. Andjustatouchofcrazy.wordpress.com

5. Recoveringolivia.wordpress.com

6. Gingeringlasses.com

7. Beautyfrompainblog.com

8. Mindstumble.blogspot.co.uk

9. Rosiebrownfightingstigma.wordpress.com

10. Wanderingthruthewilderness.wordpress.com

11. Lostprincess5.wordpress.com

 

11 random facts about me:

1. I am currently writing my blog from a psychiatric ward.

2. I have started and nearly started a grand total of 3 degrees.

3. I have completed beginner level counselling training .

4. I am obsessed with notebooks, mainly writing lists and planning future blog posts.

5. My dream job is to be a journalist .

6. My other dream job is to write a book of my experiences .

7. My ideal holiday would be to attend a writer’s retreat.

8. I have moved over 10 times this year.

9. I would love to be well enough to go back to uni and study either creative writing or art.

10. I’m originally from London and now live in South Wales .

11. I’m about to become an auntie.

 

Questions from Melissa:

1. If you could give your younger self a piece of advice, what would it be?

Stop hating yourself!

2. Who is one of your sources of inspiration ?

Charlotte Walker ( purplepersuasion.wordpress.com ) .

3. What is something that you cannot live without?

Friendship, both online and offline.

4. What would be your ideal date or ideal outing in general?

A trip to London to see my friends and family over there, especially my soon-to-be-born niece.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world for the next year, where would it be and why?

Either where Home and Away is filmed in Australia or near my friends and family in London with regular trips back to my friends in South Wales .

6. What makes you happy?

My partner and the sense of achievement I get when I publish a piece of writing .

7. What quality in a person is a complete turn-off? Why?

Someone who is a bully as I have been on the receiving end of bullying far too many times in my life.

8. Why did you start blogging?

To reach out to others with mental illness so we would feel less alone and to raise awareness and understanding of what life is like with a mental illness for those who do not have that experience but who are interested in finding out more. The other reason why I started blogging is because I love to write and I wanted to share my writing with others.

9. What is your secret obsession?

I have a bit of a shopping problem.

10. What television show or book are you loving right now?

I’m getting much of an opportunity to read or watch TV but my guilty pleasures are Game of thrones (book and film) and Home and Away.

11. Who is your celebrity crush? Why?

It’s very embarrassing to admit but Brax in home and away is very cute.

 

Right, my questions for those I have nominated are as follows:

1. When did you start blogging? (Age and length of time ago) .

2. What is the category of your blog?

3. You’re on a desert island and can only bring one book, what would it be and why?

4. Which social media account of yours do you use the most?

5. Do you read any magazines?

6. What was the last thing you watched?

7. Same desert island, what celebrity would you want to be stuck with and why.

8. Why did you chose your blog’s name?

9. What is your dream job/career/life goal?

10. Who are your top 3 favourite bloggers?

11. What is your guilty pleasure?

 

So now it’s your turn, nominate 11 bloggers with 200 or less followers, answer the questions I’ve set as well as giving 11 random facts about yourself and finally, set your nominees 11 questions to answer . If you have any questions please feel free to email me on spursbythebeach@hotmail.co.uk or tweet @spursbythebeach . I look forward to reading your posts/comments 🙂

New year, new focus

As some of my Twitter followers (@spursbythebeach) may already know , i have been re admitted to a psychiatric ward since just before Christmas . Despite my positivity at the end of my last hospitalisation that I would be assessed and care-mana

Me

Me

ged once again by the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) and the ward doctor’s assurance that an assessment was due a couple of days after my discharge , absolutely NOTHING happened on that front.

No, no and…no!

Well aside from being assured that I would not be entitled to another assessment from the CMHT, that I did not have a serious mental illness (news to me and the ward doctor!) and that I couldn’t even get advocacy to make a complaint about the decision as I wasn’t being care managed.

Things worsened at home . I struggled to manage my new flat with the limited support that was available to me. I’ve struggled to manage physically, mentally and financially.

Step backwards?

Just before Christmas I was ready to give up. I hit self-destruct and almost lost my partner because I self-harmed. I was suicidal and close to acting on my thoughts, so the safest thing for me to do, although it feels like a step backwards, was to be re admitted to hospital .

This period in hospital has been a challenging one. I’ve had to spend time on two wards, had fewer visitors and less of an inpatient support network than last time.

Recovery

Instead of spending my time focussing on other people, I’ve had to focus on my own thoughts and feelings , my own recovery strategies, my own future, however difficult that has been at times.

I’ve been trying to focus on ways I can move forward that are positive and practical . I’ve started engaging in more creative activities like scrapbooking and cardmaking, although I have to be careful to balance activity with rest because of my Ankylosing Spondylitis (a form of inflammatory arthritis known as AS).

I also have suspected nerve damage in my left arm and hand, which I’m waiting to see a specialist about and which could also be as a result of my arthritis.

Perspective

The other thing I’ve gained from this is perspective . It’s made me question what I really want from my life. I’m in two minds whether to try distance learning , probably in creative writing or something artistic. The main thing I want to focus on this year though is my writing, especially my blogs.

Blogging focus

I’ve been writing this blog for about a year now and trying to juggle it with being unwell has been a real challenge, leading me at times to wonder if I should just give up. However, I love blogging and feel so passionate about growing and improving this blog that I don’t have the heart to give up on it. Plus I still have so much that I want to say. That means that I need to fight harder to make a go of it.

I’m starting 2015 by remembering the reasons why I started this blog in the first place. I want to raise awareness of what life is like with mental illness and physical disability and to reach out to those who face similar struggles so that we all feel less alone.

With this focus in mind my aim is to post more often but to also remember what works: honesty, passion and not being afraid to share things that at times are very personal to me. I do not do this to air my dirty laundry in public, but because I hope that my truth may also be someone else’s truth, if that makes any sense?

Something new

As well as this blog, I also fancied creating a bit of escapism for myself and hopefully others too with the focus on budget make up and beauty products. My blog Http://thebudgetbeautyexperiment.wordpress.com will be launched later this month so for those who might be interested I’ll also keep you focused on my progress with that.

Thank you

Finally, for those of you who have kept on believing in me and continued to read my posts no matter how few and far between they may have been at times, I just want to say thank you! It really means a lot to have your support and encouragement.

Please continue to comment, tweet @spursbythebeach, Instagram @spursbythebeach or email me on brokenglassshimmers@hotmail.co.uk , as I really enjoy getting your feedback and learn a lot from it. If you have any ideas on how the blog could be improved further, I’m always open to hearing a reader’s perspective.

Living with loneliness

I was reading a feature in the UK edition of Glamour, January 2015 issue (page 46) earlier today, which informed me of the maybe not too surprising statistic, ‘48% of us have felt lonely at some point’. Although this is quite a high percentage and often it looks as though everyone else is sorted with loving family and friends and hectic social lives, so many of us actually struggle with this issue. And I have to admit that I’m one of the people struggling.

There are a number of causes and triggers to my loneliness and I also choose to fight loneliness in a number of ways. The feature in Glamour UK was useful as it consisted of contributions from readers as to how they coped with the causes of their loneliness.

Causes/triggers of my loneliness

The first of the main causes of my loneliness is being disabled and having mobility problems. I live with a form of arthritis known as Ankylosing Spondylitis which affects a number of my joints and bones, especially my spine and my knees. This causes a lot of pain, I struggle to travel far and rely on crutches to help me get around. Because of this even getting to the nearest bus stop to my place left me in agony so I am mainly a recluse, reliant on other people to visit me or pick me up. This is extremely frustrating, especially at my age (29) when most of my friends are out socialising or partying and I can’t even make it to the local corner shop. I cover some of the issues I face in the post: https://brokenglassshimmers.wordpress.com/2014/04/14/juggling-posting-with-ill-health/

The second cause is having a mental health problem and the stigma that is attached. Aside from the mobility problems that result from my physical disability, my mental illness only adds to the isolation and loneliness as I have a habit of pushing people away or hiding from the world when I’m struggling. Also I have a habit of thinking very negatively and few people are willing to stick around when I’m like that. I cover my struggles with posting with both physical and mental health problems in the post: https://brokenglassshimmers.wordpress.com/2014/10/09/reasonsexcuses-for-my-lack-of-posts/ .

Another difficulty that I face that leads to a great deal of loneliness is having a loved one in prison. In the post https://brokenglassshimmers.wordpress.com/2014/01/27/life-spent-loving-someone-behind-bars/ I explain in more detail how having a loved one in prison affects me in so many ways, including the loneliness I feel as a result. In my last post: https://brokenglassshimmers.wordpress.com/2014/12/19/absent-loved-ones-this-christmas/ I explain how living with a loved one in prison is more common than we think, especially for the 200,000 children who have a loved one in prison at Christmas. The main thing is again, the isolation. For many people, they take for granted that their partner is there for them when they need them but I have to wait for a phone call or a visit and as my partner is so far away and my mobility problems and pain levels impact on me so greatly, a face-to-face visit is incredibly difficult to arrange. Not only that, I tend to bottle up my feelings quite often instead of sharing everything with my partner, because I don’t want to cause him worry when he is quite powerless to help.

Another cause of loneliness that is also, I expect, quite common in people my age, are friends becoming acquaintances. As most people my age and younger get married, have families, move away or have challenging careers, their priorities shift. Whereas in the past they may have had time and patience for my dramas, now they have more pressing needs. It’s hard to let go when it’s once someone you were so close with, when there’s such a strong shared history. More and more often though, I’m beginning to see how holding onto these newly acquired acquaintances is more likely to cause loneliness and pain than completely severing all ties. Seeing that you’ve been replaced or just aren’t thought of in the same way, can be hard to accept and the two main ways of dealing with those feelings, internalising or confrontation are rarely very successful. You find yourself longing for what was instead of accepting what is.

Another thing many of us are guilty of that contributes to our sense of loneliness is comparing ourselves to people on social media sites. On social media very few, if any reveal their complete true selves so while we find ourselves envying someone who has a ‘perfect’ lifestyle or ‘dream’ career, it is easy to forget that we are often looking at things through rose tinted glasses. It does nothing for my self-esteem and confidence when I judge myself against the achievements of others as, whatever I do, I will usually end up falling short.

Over the years I have moved around quite a bit and living in a new area usually adds to feelings of loneliness. This feeling is increased when you have to tolerate nuisance neighbours or less than perfect home decor. I spend most of my time at home so the way I feel about where I live impacts a great deal on me personally. Our home is meant to be our refuge but it doesn’t always work out that way. That doesn’t mean that I’m not grateful to have a roof over my head, it just means that I have a long way to go before I see the place I live as my home.

Strategies for dealing with loneliness

One of the things that helps me to tackle loneliness the most is having a carer. She has been working with me for some time now and although it is a challenge to afford the help, I wouldn’t have got this far without it. One of the ways she helps me with loneliness is to get me out of the house but she has also become a good friend and provides lots of encouragement and a listening ear as well as helping in many practical ways too.

Another strategy that is of great importance for me is to keep in touch with my partner and close friends on a regular basis. This could be via his daily phone calls, the email a prisoner service or writing a letter or card. For my friends I’m quite reliant on Whatsapp as many are so busy that they rarely have time to talk. We do try to arrange meet-ups in person as often as possible although I am still struggling to become as reliable as I would like to be.

What also helps is to recognise that you ‘can’t please all of the people all of the time’ and that some people are only meant to be in your life ‘for a season’. It’s rare for me to want to let go of the people in my life but sometimes instead of wasting time fighting for what is lost we should open our eyes to what remains and our hearts for what is yet to come.

Something that has made a huge difference to my life is beginning to blog about my experiences and joining blogging communities. I have received so much support and encouragement already from other readers and bloggers that it really helps me to feel part of something and less alone. The post https://brokenglassshimmers.wordpress.com/2014/04/10/how-i-cope-on-a-daily-basis-inspiration-that-keeps-me-focussed/ explains a bit more about why I blog and how I feel to be part of the blogging community.

Another thing I try to do is as well as following people on social media who I can look up to and admire for their successes, I also try to have an equal balance by following people who I can relate to. It especially helps me to hear about other people facing similar issues and struggles, and learning from them how best to cope, without feeling like it’s impossible to measure up. I learn from people at all stages of the recovery journey, especially those who remember what it’s like to be in the bleakest of places and who instead of pretending they know it all, admit where they have gone wrong as well as what helps them to get it right.

I think that the important thing about loneliness is remembering that almost half of us will face it at one time or another and that we really aren’t alone with feeling lonely. Being aware of triggers and issues that contribute to loneliness is important because once we know the causes we can begin to figure out how to find the solutions, although often it will be a case of trial and error.

Do you find loneliness a struggle? Or have you found successful ways of dealing with loneliness? What works for you? Feel free to comment below, on Twitter @spursbythebeach or email brokenglassshimmers@hotmail.co.uk .

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Seeking buried treasure

kelzbelzphotography

My journey - The good, bad and the ugly

Social Health

Insights on the Power of Social Bonds

Big Red Carpet Nursing

Fun & Progress!

Wandering Thru The Wilderness

Moments to find myself

And Just a Touch of Crazy

Confessions of a Bipolar Girl

srstanyon

This blog is my efforts to end stigma around mental illness and for me to explore my diagnoses in writing. My wish is to make people aware how common mental illness is and that being diagnosed with a mental illness doesn't mean your life is worthless.

Soul Sincerity

Heartfelt Reflection For A Beautiful Life