At least a few times a week I have decided to challenge myself, by giving myself an alphabetical theme to blog on. Each theme will be related to living with mental illness/ physical disability. I am also going to do the same challenge on my FBL blog Lifelovesandlipgloss.wordpress.com , although often using different topics for the different blogs.
I chose to write about anger first, because it is something that I struggle with a great deal.
My experience of anger as a child, my parent’s violence and emotional abuse, taught me how much expressed anger can hurt others, so I tend to BOTTLE IT UP.
My anger is mainly triggered by memories from the past which leave me feeling POWERLESS and UNABLE TO ESCAPE, stress which also leaves me feeling BACKED INTO A CORNER as well as UNABLE TO COPE, and being unable to cope leads to a great deal of FRUSTRATION, which makes me want to EXPLODE.
Turning it inwards
Instead of expressing my anger and frustration in a healthy way, I turn it inwards and attack myself. At first it starts off as a mental attack. INSULTS, ABUSE, SELF-HATRED. The things my parents and the bullies at school used to say to me, I say to myself: Ugly, fat, useless, pathetic, unwanted, better off dead.
The negative self-talk can only go on for so long before the anger bubbles over, like I’m in some kind of pressure valve, and I end up wanting to act on the negative feelings I hold towards myself, by physically causing myself pain, also known as SELF-HARMING.
Searching for a new anger-management strategy
At the moment though, I’m desperate not to follow the old negative patterns. I feel STUCK, TRAPPED. I know that I will lose my partner if I end up self-harming or attempting suicide again, and, if I do, I am also likely to end up back on the PSYCH WARD.
I’m trying so hard to change things. Firstly, I try to FILL MY DAY so I don’t have too much time to dwell on things. I try to do things that I know will RELIEVE MY TENSION, from watching a favourite TV show, to colouring in or other creative-type stuff. Blogging also really helps. It helps me to EXPRESS MYSELF in a CONSTRUCTIVE way and to feel LESS ALONE, when I realise that others are struggling with similar issues.
Hopes for the future
My hopes for the future are that my feelings of anger will lessen and I will FEEL MORE IN CONTROL of my anger,that I will learn to express it in a healthy way, that doesn’t leave me with feelings of REGRET after yet another explosion.
Do you struggle with anger? What ways have you found to manage it? What helps you to cope better with it? Either comment below or Tweet me @spursbythebeach.
For far too much of my life, I’ve felt like hiding from the world. It started when I was a child. I was ashamed of the way I looked, afraid of the bullies, worried my parents would embarrass me/kick off when they were drunk.
Now I’m almost 30 and not a lot has changed. This time it’s social anxiety, fear of being judged for my disabilities and severe depression, in which I feel like being around people just makes me, and them, worse.
There are things I’d like to do: Blogging meet-ups, physiotherapy groups, day centres, book clubs. Even when I was thinking about starting university the anxiety about being around hundreds of people during lectures, freaking out about fresher’s week and how I was going to go it alone as a disabled person and make friends, was tearing me apart.
I’d love to have another chance at education but at the moment my anxiety and depression are so bad that I’m constantly changing my mind about whether or not I should give it a try, because I don’t feel like I’m good enough. I’m not living, I’m existing.
I want to be a journalist and was given the opportunity to blog for my local newspaper but I’ve bottled out of doing it more than one time because I’m worried I’ll make a fool of myself. I know that sounds strange coming from a mental health blogger, but I’m ashamed to admit that negative feedback terrifies me. It causes me to beat myself up and is the reason I’ve spent too long hiding away or not doing the things that I love.
I want to change and I know that the only way that I can do that is with one small step at a time. I’ve started Slimming World and trying to wear make up more often so that I can be more physically confident. Mentally, is another matter entirely. I’m so scared of getting hurt or messing up. I’ve just started seeing a psychologist and I’m really hoping that it makes a difference as I’m so tired of being like this.
Being honest about how I feel, especially on here, helps a lot. The support I’ve received from Brokenglassshimmers’ followers, has meant so much.
I’m thinking about branching out with the blog too and doing an email newsletter for followers to chart my progress, what works/what doesn’t, perhaps even interview some of you too if you’re interested. If you would like to receive something like this then please let me know. I’m available on here as well as on Twitter @spursbythebeach .
Well a lot has been happening in the Brokenglassshimmers household. First of all, as of today, I am officially discharged from hospital. I am no longer a psychiatric ward patient. The enormity of it all, makes me feel emotional. It feels like the safety net keeping me from falling through the cracks has gone and now I’m scared.
Everyone is trying to get me to focus on the fact that I’ve lasted on leave for over a fortnight, but that survival has been such a huge battle to achieve. The Ward psychologist, during our last appointment today, helped me to figure out a few things.
Firstly, if I was well already, hospital probably wouldn’t have been the best place for me in the first place. Being hospitalised, even as a voluntary patient, has a huge impact on your life. Being hospitalised for about four months, the length of time that I spent on the ward, then learning to adjust again to life on the outside, is a huge leap of faith. You have to learn to trust yourself again. You have to find even the smallest shred of hope and faith that you can, and claw back your fighting instinct, so that, maybe one day, you get yourself back again.
Secondly, he talked about my too-high expectations of myself. I’ll be completely honest now and this will probably sound really pathetic, but after a year or more of blogging, I beat myself up for not having got to the level that I want to be at by now. That’s not even necessarily about followers, comments, or likes, although those things are really appreciated. I beat myself up that my standard of writing isn’t good/hasn’t improved enough.
The same applies to my creative writing, the only way that I can improve is by practice and feedback but I lack the motivation to practice and get feedback because aside from my pain, fatigue and concentration problems, I’m not happy with the level that I’m at when I do write. The psychologist encouraged me to keep trying so that I do at least have a chance of success, whatever that success looks like is another matter.
Thirdly, he told me not to put up barriers when I’m challenged. He explained that part of my new psychological input from the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) will probably include empathy and validation, but that the other part of it has to be about challenging me to change longstanding thoughts and behaviours. He also told me how important it is that I learn to validate myself and that although I use the love of others, mainly my partner, as a reason to keep living, I need to want to live for my own sake, my own dreams and aspirations.
I confided how disappointed I am that I haven’t achieved more with my life, that I feel like I’m just existing, begging for help but not getting enough of it to really have a life.
As I left the ward, I felt so many mixed feelings. A longing to go back to the very beginning and really make the most of every bit of treatment that has been made available to me, a dream to never see that place again, a sadness at the time I wasted whilst I was ill and a recognition of how much I’ve grown and learnt both about myself and others.
In other news, I’m majorly freaking out about my Personal Independence Payment (PIP) assessment with Capita this Wednesday. I’m worried sick that they won’t listen to me or will fail to understand how much of a challenge life is for me. I need them to see how much of an impact my physical disability and mental illness has on my daily life and how reliant I am on the care that my Disability Living Allowance (DLA) pays for, how isolated I would be without that care, how my life wouldn’t be worth living if I lost that help.
My carer is going to go along with me but she’s just as nervous as I am as she knows how much of an impact this decision will have on me.
Lastly, there has been a new addition to my family. Kitty is a beautiful cat who I got from an RSPCA animal rescue centre yesterday and I can’t believe how well she’s already settling in. It meant so much to me having her trust me enough, after all that she’s been through, to lay on the bed with me for a little while on her first night with me. I know that she’s going to be a big responsibility and it is hard looking after her when I can’t even take care of myself . But however much discomfort it causes me physically, the love that she gives means so much that I’m going to do my utmost, with the help of my carer, to take really good care of her.
What keeps you going? What are the things that you beat yourself up about and what encourages you to keep fighting? What would you do if you were no longer beating yourself up about what you get wrong? What could you achieve? Please feel free to comment below or tweet me @spursbythebeach .
Many years ago a friend of mine ended up in Bristol, lost, looking for the way to London (so you can guess how lost he was). The man who kindly stopped to offer him directions, on finding out his intended destination, responded: “I wouldn’t start from here if I were you!”
I recalled this story recently, on leaving hospital (I spent a few months on a psychiatric ward). It made me think about whether hospital is the right place to start from when working towards your recovery.
I don’t want to pretend that hospital is completely black and white, that it’s all good or all bad. There are positives and negatives to being admitted and I definitely found this:
Positive: Staff intervention
When staff intervention worked it could have a real impact on my recovery. Knowing that I was believed, that people cared and that they were seeking out the best course of action to provide me with long-term support, meant so much. Without the support of the hospital staff such as my ward psychiatrist, psychologist and the ward manager, I probably wouldn’t be about to meat my Community Mental Health Team Care manager. Having someone unbiased to talk to, well whose only bias was seeing me recover, really helped such a great deal too. An outsider’s input can help to put a lot of things into perspective.
Negative: Staff intervention
When staff intervention didn’t work it could really bring me down. Staff with a taste for the power they had, or those who were just having a bad day, probably didn’t realise how much damage they were doing with their negative attitudes/comments, but could undo a lot of the good work being done by the good staff. If, like me, you have had a lot of negativity in your life, the last place you need that to continue in, is hospital. Perhaps staff need to recognise how much their bad days can impact those who are in a vulnerable position. We’re all human, definitely not perfect, but for those who choose career roles that can have such an impact on the lives of vulnerable people, they need to think twice about whether that choice is a sustainable one.
Positive: Other patients
Sometimes there could be a great deal of support and camaraderie on the ward from other patients, a few of whom even become friends. It’s especially tempting to start leaning on other patients when your friends on the outside stop visiting and you want to feel less alone with this mental anguish. Speaking to others who have similar worries and experiences can really put your mind at rest and definitely make you feel less alone.
Negative: Other patients
When it didn’t work out with other patients, when you leant on someone else too much and they ended up harming themselves or distressing you with rejection, this could really provide a challenge to remaining focused on your recovery. Also when there was conflict on the ward, even a small conflict, it left a negative atmosphere for everyone and caused us all to feel uncomfortable.
Positive: Putting help in place
I was lucky that the ward I was in not only had an excellent psychologist but also had senior staff who were focused on making sure that you wouldn’t have to come back again. This meant that they generally really fought for me to get the outside help that I needed, which definitely proved to be an uphill struggle. They never gave up on me though.
Negative: Becoming institutionalised
By the time I left hospital, after the few months that I spent on the ward, I was beginning to see less of a life on the outside, less of a reason to fight and more of a need to stay, as I wondered if I would ever truly be ready to deal with everything life had to throw at me. Thankfully a few members of staff gave me a kick in the right direction, and I decided to brave it, but it hasn’t been an easy choice to make.
Positive: Keeping you safe
Hospital staff can’t watch every patient non-stop but they can ensure that if you are feeling at risk you have a far greater chance of remaining safe than you probably would be on the outside. This opportunity to remain safe increases the more you are honest and cooperative with those who are trying to take care of you.
Negative: Isolation from people on the outside
After a week or so of being in hospital, people, intentionally or not, start to drift away from you. They give up inviting you out because they know that you are on the ward and they stop calling because they are disturbed by what they hear when they do. It’s painful but going through something like this really shows you who you can really rely on. If you have a friend in hospital, cards, phone calls, visits mean so much. Knowing that they have people to come out to, who haven’t given up on you while you’ve given up on yourself, means so much. If one of your friends has been in hospital and you realise that you haven’t been there for them as much as you perhaps could have been, it’s never too late to start!
Positive: Less risk factors
With the focus on keeping you safe you become used to things like having your privacy invaded with, for example, bag searches, for your own protection. You still have a part to play in keeping yourself safe but it helps a lot to know that you are not the only one working towards this.
Negative: Lack of home comforts
You risk damage/loss to any valued possessions if you bring them with you so often you have to learn to do without. Added to this is the dodgy food and having to share toilets/bathrooms with people who may have quite poor levels of hygiene. There are times you will long to be at home, for the peace and quiet especially, but the grass is usually greener.
Negative: Getting used to the silence afterwards
Being in hospital can be one of the most challenging periods of your life but the biggest challenge is surviving life after hospital. The silence will eat at you and the lack of people to talk to/confide in, especially if you’ve lost contact with people on the outside. Being out can lead to extreme isolation and you will have to fight hard to beat that.
So as you can see, hospital can work but there are factors to bear in mind and, in my opinion, it should always be the last option for someone and you should go into it with the expectation that keeping you safe is the most important aspect to being hospitalised. This can come at a price though so choose carefully!!
For each of the top 5 things you identified in the last list, list 10 things you can do to gain control of the situation. Underline the top 3 from each list.
Part one:Worry about my partner
Things I can do:
1. Gain more control over my finances, especially by getting out of hospital as soon as I am ready as well as trying to send more money and visiting more often.
Part of this involves him getting a move to a closer prison so at least then I can come up on visits. Six months without visits and support is a long time to go.
2. Write to my partner more often
At the moment, after a lot of nagging, my partner is writing to me regularly. Due to an arthritis flare-up and severe anxiety and depression, I have had really bad fatigue. I need to get better at juggling writing with rest. I also need to get better at asking for medications on request for pain, when I need it, which I usually do. I just hope that this makes a difference with my levels of pain and fatigue.
3. Be more honest about what I’m struggling with, to my partner and others
It helps so much Blogging and Tweeting about what’s on my mind. There is someone even more important that I need to speak to – my partner. He really loves me and wants to help, he wants to know how to help. Sometimes I’m not sure what will help me, but if I keep him informed of what is happening and advise him of the little things that make a difference [like today over the phone he read me out a page-long love poem] then he has a head-start on how to help me.
It’s hard to be honest sometimes knowing that if I’m too honest, I’ll leave him feeling worried, upset and powerless to do anything. Often I just tell him the partial truth when the full truth would leave him worried sick. In reality I need to make sure that he has the full facts in order that he can show greater understanding.
4. Work on my anxiety so that I could emotionally cope with a visit.
I have apps on my phone, books and websites I could use as well as a weekly appointment with a psychologist. My next big challenge is to spend most of next Wednesday in my flat, probably alone, which I’m really worried about how I’ll cope with.
I need to utilise what I’ve been taught and start to put it into practice. More on coping with anxiety soon.
5.Make sure that my partner continues to write to me regularly.
This sounds a bit unfair when I’m not writing to him as much as I used to. It does make such a huge difference though, hearing from him.
6. Encourage my partner to open up to me more often so that I know the real things that are bothering him instead of fearing the worst.
I always know when something is wrong with my partner so when he refuses to confide in me , not only does it hurt, but it also causes me to imagine that he is keeping something far worse from me than he usually actually is.
7, Accept compliments from my partner. Really let all the good things that he says sink in, instead of believing all the negative things from my childhood.
I’ve been put down for so long, by so many people, that I need to unlearn all of that stuff and keep in mind the kind things that my partner says instead
8. Speak to the Assisted Prison Visits Unit to discuss options for a visit to be planned and paid for in advance by them.
They usually very generously refund the cost of visits if you are on certain benefits/a low income and occasionally they offer this help for me, I need to find out whether this is an option for me within the next month or so. I miss him so much.
9. Write a letter to the prison governor supporting my partner’s request for a move to a prison closer to me
I’m hoping that after hearing the difficulties I face visiting my partner due to my disabilities that they will take pity on us and move him to a closer prison.
10. Once I’m out of hospital, maybe even before, start planning for mine and his future together. Things like visits, planning for our wedding and building a home together.
All I want from life, well my main aim really is to spend my life making mine and my partner’s dreams come true.
I’ve gone back and underlined the top 3 I want to try and have included an explanation of how I intend to follow them. Does anyone else have any ideas that I haven’t thought of? Or is anyone else struggling with similar issues? Get in touch in the comments section below or Tweet me @spursbythebeach. I look forward to hearing from you.