For far too much of my life, I’ve felt like hiding from the world. It started when I was a child. I was ashamed of the way I looked, afraid of the bullies, worried my parents would embarrass me/kick off when they were drunk.
Now I’m almost 30 and not a lot has changed. This time it’s social anxiety, fear of being judged for my disabilities and severe depression, in which I feel like being around people just makes me, and them, worse.
There are things I’d like to do: Blogging meet-ups, physiotherapy groups, day centres, book clubs. Even when I was thinking about starting university the anxiety about being around hundreds of people during lectures, freaking out about fresher’s week and how I was going to go it alone as a disabled person and make friends, was tearing me apart.
I’d love to have another chance at education but at the moment my anxiety and depression are so bad that I’m constantly changing my mind about whether or not I should give it a try, because I don’t feel like I’m good enough. I’m not living, I’m existing.
I want to be a journalist and was given the opportunity to blog for my local newspaper but I’ve bottled out of doing it more than one time because I’m worried I’ll make a fool of myself. I know that sounds strange coming from a mental health blogger, but I’m ashamed to admit that negative feedback terrifies me. It causes me to beat myself up and is the reason I’ve spent too long hiding away or not doing the things that I love.
I want to change and I know that the only way that I can do that is with one small step at a time. I’ve started Slimming World and trying to wear make up more often so that I can be more physically confident. Mentally, is another matter entirely. I’m so scared of getting hurt or messing up. I’ve just started seeing a psychologist and I’m really hoping that it makes a difference as I’m so tired of being like this.
Being honest about how I feel, especially on here, helps a lot. The support I’ve received from Brokenglassshimmers’ followers, has meant so much.
I’m thinking about branching out with the blog too and doing an email newsletter for followers to chart my progress, what works/what doesn’t, perhaps even interview some of you too if you’re interested. If you would like to receive something like this then please let me know. I’m available on here as well as on Twitter @spursbythebeach .
Recently, in fact for quite some time now, I’ve been feeling negative. I’ve been letting my health issues bring me down and leave me feeling negative and frustrated.
I spotted the 52 weeks of gratitude challenge on Pinterest (apologies I can’t remember who started it off), but I thought that this would be perfect for me.
Instead of focussing on the negatives all the time, the things I can’t do, I’m going to spend more time being thankful. I’m going to start this off with ‘Thankful Thursdays ‘. Every Thursday I am going to take part in this weekly gratitude challenge, helping me to look over the week with more positivity and start the weekend with some optimism.
The main reason that I am doing this challenge though, is because I know what happens when I get caught up in a negative thought cycle: I stop doing the things that I love, for example blogging, I isolate myself, I start thinking negatively towards myself and before I know it, I’m having thoughts about/actively trying to harm myself.
I want so badly, to break this negative thoughts cycle, and this seems like a great way to do that, by focussing on the positives in my life.
If you would like to join me with this challenge, please feel free to comment with your links/thoughts below, or Tweet @spursbythebeach . I hope that this can be useful for all of us.
Fed up, what can I do to make it better?
For the past few days, I’ve been completely panicked that something is wrong with me, physically because of how exhausted I’ve been, sleeping constantly, especially during the day. I am awaiting blood test results and, like the drama queen I am, I even called the out of hours doctor. What I forgot is, I’ve been here before. These are all symptoms I’ve already experienced and likely will again. These are most likely symptoms of depression, anxiety and stress.
There is a depression checklist in a DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) book that I have that makes it even clearer. Here’s the checklist and my response:
Persistent low mood: I feel rock bottom. I feel alone, worthless and like I will never amount to anything.
Increased appetite/ Decreased appetite: I’m not eating regular meals but when I am eating, I do tend to binge.
Difficulties falling asleep: This sentence should continue with ‘At the right times’. I’m becoming nocturnal, when I want to sleep I cannot, and when I want to stay awake , my eyes start to become heavy.
Feeling empty: I really feel like this, especially since my failure at university last year. I had put so much of my energy into becoming a successful student and now I see myself as nothing/a nobody.
Social isolation: This is partly my fault and partly the fault of others. The main reason it’s my fault is that I left London and all my old friends there and came back to Swansea where my friends had moved on. Even if they haven’t and I’m just being paranoid, that’s what it feels like.
Problems with memory: I have no problem remembering the things that haunt me, but the mundane, everyday stuff, that I need to remember is becoming a lot more of a challenge.
Persistent anger: As you can probably already tell, this is mainly directed at myself. Why do I always get it so wrong?
Irritability: Again, this is mainly directed inwards, I am extremely frustrated with myself for not making university work out, for not being near the end of my first year. Who knows how different my life could have been?
Decrease in motivation: When I’m well/stable, I want to be a successful mental health and fashion, beauty, lifestyle blogger, that means raising awareness of what life is like with a mental illness and how you can help. I want to help form an online community that makes up for the community I’m missing out on in the real world. When I’m like this, I lack the motivation to do anything because I feel like I don’t have the ability to make things happen.
Feelings of hopelessness: I feel like this a lot lately. What’s the point of trying when I just mess up anyway? I know that’s an extremely negative attitude to have but I started this blog to be completely honest about how I feel and how I (hopefully) get through it.
Weight gain: As usual, when I’m depressed I eat rubbish, which leads to weight gain.
Waking early in the morning: I more likely haven’t gone to sleep yet from the night before.
Restlessness: When I’m awake I’m really edgy in my own company (Most of the time) and feel like I have to be keeping busy or sleeping.
Low self-esteem: My self-esteem is beyond low, I really feel like I am capable of nothing. I spend all my time comparing myself to others and how much more than me they can do.
Tearfulness: I cry at anything and everything, especially when I’m feeling overwhelmed, which is often.
Loss of interest in things: I usually would love to read and write creatively, but at the moment, I’ve completely lost interest.
Feelings of worthlessness: I feel like the world would be a better place without me.
Loss of enjoyment in activities: I’ve even considered stopping the blogs because I feel like I’ll never get to where I want to be with them.
Poor concentration: I either struggle to focus on a single thing or try to focus on a few things at the same time.
Thoughts of suicide: Yes my old enemy thoughts have started to come back to the forefront of my mind. I feel like everyone would be better off without me.
Waking frequently during the night: At the moment I’m awake most of the night. When I do fall asleep though, I do wake frequently.
Increased sleep: I’m currently sleeping on average between 16-20 hours a day.
Feelings of helplessness: I fear that there is nothing I can do to make things better.
Feeling guilty: I feel guilty for my negativity when I KNOW that there are others worse off than me.
Mental confusion/ Difficulty making decisions: I feel so out of it and confused most of the time, I can’t make my mind up what to do for the best from trivial to more serious things.
Inactivity: Much as I’m trying to keep busy, I’m struggling to do anything.
Lethargy: When I’m not sleeping I feel exhausted.
Dwelling on the past: As you can see from this and recent blog posts, I’ve been dwelling on the past quite a bit recently, especially my university failure and recent hospitalisation.
What can I do to make it better?
- Balance activity with rest.
- Attend my appointments with my care team and,
- Being honest.
I worry that this blog will become a negative place, that people will avoid it because it’s so depressing. All I want is to be honest.
How are you feeling? Are you struggling with any of the stuff on this list? How do you handle it? Either comment or Tweet @spursbythebeach.
Today I finally had some news from Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) about my disability benefits and it looks like it will be very good news.
I’ve been fighting for this day for so long, after hearing all the scare stories, I never expected to actually be awarded the rate that I should be entitled to due to the impact that living with physical and mental disability has on my day-to-day life.
It felt like forever to get a result and I’ve still only heard that result verbally so I’m waiting to see it in black and white before I allow myself to get too excited.
That help financially will make such a huge difference to my wellbeing. I will be able to pay for my carer, pay travel expenses to attend additional activities and pay for all the extra costs involved in living with my disabilities.
Now that that pressure is off me a bit, I have also started to try to make decisions about what I want from life. For years I thought that that was university but I’ve realised that my main reason for wanting to go to university was because I thought it was my only route into becoming a writer/journalist. Thanks to blogging, perseverance and hard work, it looks like my writing dream could become a reality.
The decision I must face now is that if university is not an option for me, then what is? I want a challenge but I don’t want to make myself ill. I’m looking into online distance-learning courses in journalism and blogging. I’m also looking into attending a local day centre that does arts and crafts and therapeutic wellbeing courses. I’m also hoping to attend book groups at my local library. I want to try to build my life up and build up a social circle.
How are you trying to get your life back? What do you think will help your recovery?
Tweet @spursbythebeach or comment below. Look forward to hearing from you.
Bottling things up
I’m so tired of bottling things up. Of putting up and shutting up. There is so much I want to say and the truth is I don’t know where to start, or whether or not it’s worth starting, when all it’s likely to do is finish off burning, the already burnt bridges.
I said in my last post how tired I was of one-way friendships, we agreed on Twitter that it was time I made new friends well perhaps that is true. If that’s the case though, why is it so hard to let go? Why am I reminded of the good times we shared and left wondering ‘what if?’.
I blame myself, for pressing the self-destruct button on my life and pushing away the people I cared about. Now they’re pushing me away and while I’m at this vulnerable point in my life, it really hurts.
Sometimes women in their twenties and thirties still behave like Mean Girls. There is still so much ignorance about mental illness and hospitalisation, even from those with mental illness themselves.
Then when I think to myself that at least, whatever I’ve lost, I’ve always got my partner, he starts to push me away, which leads me to feel extremely insecure. He may be in prison but usually it feels like he’s the only one I can count on. Since my financial problems though, things have changed. At first he was really supportive, a huge encouragement. Now though it feels like he has forgotten what we’ve both been fighting so hard to achieve.
I am becoming more and more reliant on Lorazepam and sleep as a way of getting through this awful period. As a matter of fact, I can hardly keep my eyes open now, so I’m off to hibernate for a little while. Hopefully I will make more sense when I return.