Trying to find the words
I’ve been trying to figure out what to say for days now. The truth is that I’m so far from where I want to be that I feel like I will never get there at all. I’m so close to giving up completely.
I wanted this blog to move in a positive new direction but, more than that, I want it to be an honest blog. Just over a week ago I wrote a list, 30 things that I want to achieve by the time that I’m 30. At the moment it would be an achievement just to reach age 30, later this year.
I started my week quite positively, entering writing competitions, thinking about starting a new scrapbook with a focus on recovery. In the space of a week though, things have spiralled down so much.
I’ve lost all of my confidence and self-esteem, especially where my writing is concerned. I feel like such a failure. I wish I hadn’t wasted time and money, entering writing competitions and I feel like such a let-down as a blogger for not posting more than I do.
I wanted my life to be about more than it is by now. I wanted to reach 30 and have things resolved in my mind. I wanted to have a family, a relationship. Instead my partner is pretty powerless to help from prison and I have very little resembling a family right now except a bunch of people who just expect nothing from me.
I used to have friends, but the majority have disappeared by now and those remaining just don’t know what to say to me anymore. Nothing they can say can make it better.
I’m clawing on to life with everything that I have, but I’m starting to wonder what for? I know that makes me ungrateful but I would give anything not to feel as alone as I do right now.
I’m not going to read through this before I post as I know that I will bottle out of it if I do and I want you all to know the truth about what’s going on in my head. I guess it’s my way of reaching out, in the hope that maybe I’m not alone with thoughts like these and that somewhere out there, there is a way to beat them, there is such a thing as recovery. At the moment though, I’m not so sure.