Trying to find the words

I’ve been trying to figure out what to say for days now. The truth is that I’m so far from where I want to be that I feel like I will never get there at all. I’m so close to giving up completely.

I wanted this blog to move in a positive new direction but, more than that, I want it to be an honest blog. Just over a week ago I wrote a list, 30 things that I want to achieve by the time that I’m 30. At the moment it would be an achievement just to reach age 30, later this year.

I started my week quite positively, entering writing competitions, thinking about starting a new scrapbook with a focus on recovery. In the space of a week though, things have spiralled down so much.

I’ve lost all of my confidence and self-esteem, especially where my writing is concerned. I feel like such a failure. I wish I hadn’t wasted time and money, entering writing competitions and I feel like such a let-down as a blogger for not posting more than I do.

I wanted my life to be about more than it is by now. I wanted to reach 30 and have things resolved in my mind. I wanted to have a family, a relationship. Instead my partner is pretty powerless to help from prison and I have very little resembling a family right now except a bunch of people who just expect nothing from me.

I used to have friends, but the majority have disappeared by now and those remaining just don’t know what to say to me anymore. Nothing they can say can make it better.

I’m clawing on to life with everything that I have, but I’m starting to wonder what for? I know that makes me ungrateful but I would give anything not to feel as alone as I do right now.

I’m not going to read through this before I post as I know that I will bottle out of it if I do and I want you all to know the truth about what’s going on in my head. I guess it’s my way of reaching out, in the hope that maybe I’m not alone with thoughts like these and that somewhere out there, there is a way to beat them, there is such a thing as recovery. At the moment though, I’m not so sure.

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About brokenglassshimmers

I’m 30 and have BPD and arthritis. This website will detail how I deal with my health issues, reading and writing. I am in the process of writing books and I will keep you posted about how that is going. I also want to run an online book club and writer’s circle. Please feel free to comment on the site and to let me know if there are any improvements or changes you would like to see. If you have any questions please do not hesitate to contact me.

4 responses to “Trying to find the words”

  1. lilypup says :

    Nice to meet you. I suffer from bipolar II with psychotic features. I believe I have been where you are. Set very small goals. I have three kids and a husband (30 years) so it can be done. I have written two novels, neither of which have been published. One I have been putting up a chapter at a time on my blog, the other is sitting around. But I did enter lots of competitions (never won, but got good feedback). Things will look up. I am always available for a re-blog…I’ve got tons of topics in my archives. Let me know something you are interested in and I will find one for you. Hugs! http://lilypupslife.wordpress.com/

    • brokenglassshimmers says :

      Thanks for your response. I wish I could think of more to say but at the moment I just feel numb and really freaked out. Thanks for taking the time to read my post, I really appreciate it. Hugs!

  2. Sharon DeVinney, Ph.D. says :

    You will find much support here in the blog world. Don’t pressure yourself about writing…your writing is good and there is no need to post often. Just don’t give up. Recovery and healing are not always easy, but are very possible.

    • brokenglassshimmers says :

      Thank you. It really means a lot to hear good things about my writing as I’m always beating myself up about not being good enough. I feel like all the odds are stacked against me getting through this but at the moment I’m hanging on with everything I’ve got, just hope that determination lasts.

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