New year, new focus
As some of my Twitter followers (@spursbythebeach) may already know , i have been re admitted to a psychiatric ward since just before Christmas . Despite my positivity at the end of my last hospitalisation that I would be assessed and care-mana
ged once again by the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) and the ward doctor’s assurance that an assessment was due a couple of days after my discharge , absolutely NOTHING happened on that front.
No, no and…no!
Well aside from being assured that I would not be entitled to another assessment from the CMHT, that I did not have a serious mental illness (news to me and the ward doctor!) and that I couldn’t even get advocacy to make a complaint about the decision as I wasn’t being care managed.
Things worsened at home . I struggled to manage my new flat with the limited support that was available to me. I’ve struggled to manage physically, mentally and financially.
Just before Christmas I was ready to give up. I hit self-destruct and almost lost my partner because I self-harmed. I was suicidal and close to acting on my thoughts, so the safest thing for me to do, although it feels like a step backwards, was to be re admitted to hospital .
This period in hospital has been a challenging one. I’ve had to spend time on two wards, had fewer visitors and less of an inpatient support network than last time.
Instead of spending my time focussing on other people, I’ve had to focus on my own thoughts and feelings , my own recovery strategies, my own future, however difficult that has been at times.
I’ve been trying to focus on ways I can move forward that are positive and practical . I’ve started engaging in more creative activities like scrapbooking and cardmaking, although I have to be careful to balance activity with rest because of my Ankylosing Spondylitis (a form of inflammatory arthritis known as AS).
I also have suspected nerve damage in my left arm and hand, which I’m waiting to see a specialist about and which could also be as a result of my arthritis.
The other thing I’ve gained from this is perspective . It’s made me question what I really want from my life. I’m in two minds whether to try distance learning , probably in creative writing or something artistic. The main thing I want to focus on this year though is my writing, especially my blogs.
I’ve been writing this blog for about a year now and trying to juggle it with being unwell has been a real challenge, leading me at times to wonder if I should just give up. However, I love blogging and feel so passionate about growing and improving this blog that I don’t have the heart to give up on it. Plus I still have so much that I want to say. That means that I need to fight harder to make a go of it.
I’m starting 2015 by remembering the reasons why I started this blog in the first place. I want to raise awareness of what life is like with mental illness and physical disability and to reach out to those who face similar struggles so that we all feel less alone.
With this focus in mind my aim is to post more often but to also remember what works: honesty, passion and not being afraid to share things that at times are very personal to me. I do not do this to air my dirty laundry in public, but because I hope that my truth may also be someone else’s truth, if that makes any sense?
As well as this blog, I also fancied creating a bit of escapism for myself and hopefully others too with the focus on budget make up and beauty products. My blog Http://thebudgetbeautyexperiment.wordpress.com will be launched later this month so for those who might be interested I’ll also keep you focused on my progress with that.
Finally, for those of you who have kept on believing in me and continued to read my posts no matter how few and far between they may have been at times, I just want to say thank you! It really means a lot to have your support and encouragement.
Please continue to comment, tweet @spursbythebeach, Instagram @spursbythebeach or email me on firstname.lastname@example.org , as I really enjoy getting your feedback and learn a lot from it. If you have any ideas on how the blog could be improved further, I’m always open to hearing a reader’s perspective.
About brokenglassshimmersI’m 30 and have BPD and arthritis. This website will detail how I deal with my health issues, reading and writing. I am in the process of writing books and I will keep you posted about how that is going. I also want to run an online book club and writer’s circle. Please feel free to comment on the site and to let me know if there are any improvements or changes you would like to see. If you have any questions please do not hesitate to contact me.
- The October update – my struggle with anxiety and mood swings October 25, 2015
- Safety in self-knowledge – part 3 October 25, 2015
- Safety in self-knowledge – part 2 October 24, 2015
- Safety in self-knowledge part 1 October 22, 2015
- Life after a crisis July 8, 2015
Top Posts & Pages
This month on Brokenglassshimmers
- attitudes of others/stigma
- Bipolar disorder
- Blogging community
- care manager
- Community Mental Health Team
- Crisis Team
- day centre
- Depression/suicidal thoughts
- distorted thinking
- Home Treatment Team
- in control
- life as a service user
- Mental health
- Mental illness
- Negative thoughts
- Occupational therapist
- people pleaser
- physical disability
- postcode lottery
- psych ward
- psychiatric ward
- self harm
- Social media
- social worker
- socially isolated
- suicidal thoughts
- the mental health community