#Inequality and life as a guinea pig

Happy birthday?

I’m writing this a year older and another mental health assessment result wiser. Yesterday was probably my worst birthday ever, much as some good friends tried to help me through it. In fact their help and my partner is probably the only reason that I got through another day.

CMHT assessment result

I finally got the result of the assessment and found out that, aside from some minimal support/further assessment for my physical disability and the occasional appointment with a psychiatrist, I would be offered no further support for my mental health.

That would be bad enough but just over 2 months ago in the same area, I was care managed, had 10 hours a week with a personal assistant as well as tenancy support and crisis team intervention when it was needed. Now I feel completely deserted. The joke is that I’ve actually got worse instead of better and that I’ve had the physical disability for 3 years with no assessment from the physical disabilities team despite me asking.

Inequality

The government says that they will improve treatment for service users/patients with mental illness so that they receive the same level of care as someone with a physical disability. Well I’m proof that that’s a complete lie. As usual having a mental health condition makes you a second class citizen, even more so, I believe, than a physical disability, although that is extremely difficult too. How many of you are ashamed to share your mental health diagnosis with others but are happy to share about your physical health? I do this too. Recently I have started to share with others more but it still causes me a lot of anxiety. What will people think of me? Will there be a negative reaction towards me? Disbelief?

Not that I don’t get that reaction about my physical disability. No-one can believe that at my age I have a form/s of arthritis.

Crisis Team

The Crisis Team have just visited. I’ve started to get to know some of them so at least there are some familiar faces. They want me to call if I feel like drinking but I just feel like getting completely out of it so that I don’t have to face up to things. Even writing the blog is hard and I worry that instead of helping others like I’d initially planned that I’m just bringing people down.

Scared

I’m so scared about what’s going to happen to me. I’m sinking faster and faster and just don’t know what to do anymore. I wanted to be a writer/journalist and make something of my life. Now I don’t even feel like living.

Tomorrow

I’m due to see the Crisis Team doctor tomorrow and he will decide what to do about my meds. I also have to ring ESA to see if they are any closer to resolving my benefits being cut. I’m stressed and lonely and just feel like hibernating.

About brokenglassshimmers

I’m 30 and have BPD and arthritis. This website will detail how I deal with my health issues, reading and writing. I am in the process of writing books and I will keep you posted about how that is going. I also want to run an online book club and writer’s circle. Please feel free to comment on the site and to let me know if there are any improvements or changes you would like to see. If you have any questions please do not hesitate to contact me.

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